this could prove triggering to some. use your own discretion.
the other night the beau and i were talking about rages, and what triggers them. we both have had rages, where one goes beyond angry to something that almost has a life of its own. i have never seen him raging, and when he told me of one of three instances, im glad i havent. however, in his recounting of what he was feeling, what he remembers, i understood.
i have come close to really going off the edge, but have never plunged into that black hole because i know if i did i would be capable of something truly horrible. these days, im not nearly so susceptible to those triggers as i once was, and yet, i still feel them as i always have. they just dont take me as far as they once did.
after our conversation the other night, i see more clearly what those triggers are.
when i entered grade school, my whole life changed. as early as first grade i found out what it is to be the social outcast and the scapegoat. it was a catholic school, so everyone wore the same uniform, and the rich and the poor all looked the same. but nothing could be done to blur the lines between the ‘entitled’ and the ‘unentitled’. in my class, it seems i was about the only one in the latter group. to this day, i still dont have an answer for why i was cast off from the rest. i only know how it molded me.
early on it was made clear to me that whatever it was that one needed to belong, i didnt have it and i never would. but they took it much further than simple rejection. it became a sport to humiliate me. this is the kind of thing that adults dont recognize children doing to one another. furthermore, if they did, they are powerless to stop it, because once the other children decide you are their target, they refuse to see you as their classmate. if you cry, they make fun of it. if you take it, they act justified. if you try to ignore it, they step it up a few notches until you are worn down. physical bullying would have been better, because its recognizable. but my abusers used words. my teachers responded as though it was all in my head. my mother, who herself had been chased home from school with rocks, and called ‘cat licker’ for being catholic, simply told me i was to blame for being too bossy.
seven years i faced this at school. i hated school. strangely, i didnt get angry then. i spent my time feeling bewildered. but the stress was building. at the same time, i was learning how people play mind games, and i could recognize a game in anyone. i could also recognize the motive. when i fell prey, it was not because i was fooled, but because i wanted to belong so badly. i possessed all that understanding, and no coping skills to deal with it.
the dye was cast. when i entered junior high school, i was twisted enough to attract the cruel kids. but at least then it was only a certain few. however, my mother had remarried, and my stepfather had a daughter two years older than me. i tried to be friends with her, but she was insanely bitter about the divorce of her parents, and hotly resented the marriage. she came to live with us, and everything i had endured in grade school was now living in my house. i cannot tell you all she put me through, and all without any repercussions from the adults. again. she stole from me, and i was not allowed to protest. she skipped school by playing sick, and was allowed to out with her friends. i stayed home sick, and had to stay in my room all day. daily she filled my airspace with hateful words and accusations. i reached a point where i no longer wanted to belong. i wanted to end her life. and her fathers life, as he also would humiliate me, sometimes in front of my few friends. my mother never protected me in all this. had someone laid a hand on me, she would have become the mama bear, and ripped them into pieces. but the drama of everyday life, she would not jeopardize her marriage for that. she had her own abandonment issues, and i pitied her and didnt hold her responsible. i knew innately that she wasnt capable. still, i quietly lost my mind for a while.
over the years these mind games and humiliating messages have been the things that set me off. looking back, i see that the only people who have accused me of being crazy are the ones who play the games. im not crazy. i simply have a low tolerance for cruelty. and when its directed at me, my first response is reason, and when that fails, escape. it is only when i am cornered, or prevented from escape, that i have become enraged. as the Word of God has changed me, the circle of influence that can trigger me has grown smaller and closer in to me, so there are fewer who can move me to that point. with that change has come more wisdom on how to deal with it effectively. but im not there yet.
at least now, after that conversation the other night, i see thing for what it is much better. and with more understanding comes more liberty.