in response to a request by my dear friend Aussie, of sundrip journal, and everyone else who may be wondering, we were unaffected by the recent storms that blew through. friday night saw a lot of rain come in. this always has the same effect on one cat in particular, that being gizmo, our black cat. this is the cat most unaffected by anything else. he frequently gets run over by the dogs, because he doesnt care to move out of the way when they come galloping through, preferring to voice his disapproval instead. he is the one who will oppose me when i attempt to shush the cats off the counters and out of the kitchen, hissing and acting all defiant. he’s a saucy little boy, that one. but come rain and wind howling outside, this sassy fat cat sort of melts onto a puddle of liquid tar, with eyeballs, and slithers into the bathroom where he feels he is hiding from ‘the noise’. sammy isnt disturbed by much of anything that isnt directly trying to cause her eat a pill or be stuck with needles. maggie and thor, skittish as they are the rest of the time, couldnt care less about the goings on outside, unless its people at the door.
it rained hard all night friday night, and into saturday morning. the rest of the day remained overcast after the rains let up. the wind, however, was relentless all weekend.
poor gizmo. liquid tar with eyeballs slithering around in the bathroom.
after the last post, i received some very supportive comments from my friends. for this i am most grateful! these comments have done more than encourage me. they have, both individually, and collectively, changed the way i see myself. in a most fundamental way.
i used to see myself as a faceless mime, who carried about a trunk full of costumes and masks for all the different people and settings i might find myself in. since i made all the costumes and masks, some of them were better than others. some worked very well. some didnt work at all. and the trunk became heavier and heavier, with more and more people and places added to my life. i never threw away a costume, in case i needed it in the future.
what a burden it was!
but time and experience, and good friends, all have a way of wearing down the need to protect ones self. at least it did with me. as i have walked with God these last 27 years, i have found Him to be, as He promised to abraham and his seed, to be my Shield and my exceeding great Reward. as i have learned to trust Him, He has taken the burden of me off my hands. the comments from my last post are proof of this!
a thousand and one thanks!
my view of my self has cleared, and i have begun to see that i am many faceted, adaptable, fluid and changeable like water. but water, in all its forms, is still water. i am like water.
i love this, because i love water. i love to drink it, play in it, shower in it, watch it in the sky in all its many forms. and water, when it is very still in fluid pools, reflects everything that surrounds it. every person who looks into still pools sees their face there. and yet the water is still … water, pure and simple.
funny thing, because my birthstone is the aquamarine, a watery blue of sea and sky, with a legend of being a sailor’s stone.
i owe much to my God, for showing me my self in this way. and i owe much to my friends here for being so quick to respond, and so able to relate to me, and so generous with their kindness!
a side note. many years ago, when i first began to walk with God, He showed me a vision. it was a glass of water.
He asked me, ‘what do you see?’
i said, ‘ i see a glass of water.’
He said, ‘you dont really see the glass, because it is clear and pure and clean. you see the water. you are the glass, I am the water. be transparent, and let those who meet you see the water in you.’then something happened to the water in the glass. it turned to wine
Then a powerful demon, a prowler through the dark,
nursed a hard grievance. It harrowed him
to hear the din of the loud banquet
everyday in the hall, the harp being struck
and the clear song of a skilled poet
telling with mastery of man’s beginnings,
how the Almighty had made the earth
a gleaming plain girdled with waters;
in His splendour He set the sun and the moon
to be earth’s lamplight, lanterns for men,
and filled the broad lap of the world
with branches and leaves; and quickened life
in every other thing that moved.
‘The world is too much with us’
The world is too musch with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers:
Little we see in nature that is ours;
We have given out hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon;
The Winds that will be howling at all hours
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers;
For this, for every thing, we are out of tune;
It moves us not. Great God! I’d rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus coming from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.
William Wordsworth (1770 – 1850)
- self employed house cleaner
- salad prep
- medical assistant
four places ive lived:
- pacific northwest
- north carolina
- north dakota
four favorite TV programes:
- CSI all of them
- criminal minds
four places ive been:
- OMSI (oregon museum of science and industry)
- yellowstone national park
- monte, mexico
- myrtle beach
four places i visit every day in cyberspace:
- my den (msn spaces)
- my other room (wordpress)
- google image search
- online real estate serches (currently)
four favorite foods:
- thai food
- plain yogurt
- chocolate silk ice cream
four places id rather be right now
- pacific northwest coast
- in a log cabin
- on the edge of the woods
- overlooking my ocean
you think you know me now? what about all the answers i didnt give?
tagged are, hmmm . . . whom to tag, whom to tag? who is up to the challenge?
one of the hardest things for me, is to know me. i know what i like, i know what i favor, i know what i think and what i believe, and why. i can make a stand, and defend it. i can express and explain my opinions.
but who am i? who is this person who possesses this mind? what is my real personality?
i am a mirror. i reflect the persona of the person i feel most attached to at the moment. sometimes its a hybrid of different people. i find myself speaking, and writing, in the style of someone i relate to, or someone i enjoy being around. i find myself taking on the colors of people i have known in the past, even if our parting was not amicable. i wonder who i would be if i didnt know anyone. what does a mirror look like? what color is it? what does it express?
on those occasions that i have extended solitude, sometimes fear invades. i feel abandoned. worse than rejection is not being acknowledged at all.
i feel like a ghost among the living. a stray outside the window. looking in at the cozy gathering inside that no one notices.
its a crazy feeling. disorienting, kind of. makes me feel compelled to ask for reassurance. i hate that.
often the feeling of belonging nowhere washes over me, and i wonder if i really am a ghost.
but i know better.