i havent felt real ambitious lately. if this is hard to read, its because i feel hard to read. im having a real numb period of time. where i dont feel anything. its part of being borderline. funny how the name doesnt discribe the disorder. well, in a way it does. i feel like im on a borderline all the time. but i dm not borderline psychotic, as the name was first meant to imply. i am more like borderline on the edge of feeling. i feel the emotions of others intensly…even if it is a fictional person in a story. often i feel nothing. as now. its like being blank. its like not being. it doesnt hurt. it doesnt feel like anything. i dont really enjoy it, although im not suffering.
we had a hawk in the bird bath satuerday. that was entertaining. i miss the ocean immensely. i guess i feel that, sort of. but really i feel so blank. im only using blue because gray doesnt show up very well. but im not sad. im not depressed. i dont feel deprived. i really dont feel. anything. numb.
but this is an adventure in itself. its like watching a movie of me. only i dont feel it. i go to work. i interact with the patients. i still have my humor, which helps them feel better about being at an infectious disease clinic. its just that i dont feel like im the one being there. in some ways its good, in that very little bothers me. hmmm
i was depressed for a while, but it was circumstantial depression. i dont have clinical depression. i just hate being in oklahoma and i miss my ocean and all the fir trees and mountains and fresh air. its so ugly here. but im not going into that now. well, having a hawk in the bird bath was cool. there are moments. but really id rather be by the pacific north west beach.
im not depressed now, though. i have entered numbness. its kind of a relief for someone who feels so intensly most of the time. i cry so easily it would make you wonder.
am i blathering? sorry.
the moon is full. mostly. i have this cool catalogue with gothy stuff to order from, which i intend to do. the temp went from 90* on sunday to 44* monday morning, with highs of 60* or so after that. whew! i had an intense day at work, with lots of paperwork. ;P
sigh.
its so weird to feel nothing. emotional numbness. it stems from feeling like i dont belong anywhere. whatever im doing, i feel like i should be doing something else. do you ever feel like that?
i wish i had known my dad. he left when i was ten months old. i never got to know him at all. i was told he wrote some letters, but they were destroyed by either my mother or my grandmother. who they were to or what they were about, i will never know. mom doesnt remember. i was robbed. i couldve read them. a piece of my father, however dismal it maight have been. whatever.
i have a few pictures. he was killed in a car wreck when i was around eight. oh well.
when i was still very litte, like, two maybe, my mom left to go get my grandma from the fish fly factory where she worked for a short while. i had been put to bed in the basement bedroom i shared with mom. it was grandmas house. she left me alone, thinking i would sleep thru. i guess even then i sensed being left behind. or left out.
i woke up, and i was scared. i dont know know why. or why i woke up even. but i did. so i went upstairs, and i was afraid, because i thought some kind of scarey clown lived down stairs where i couldnt see him. if i was on the stairs, or near the top, he would come out and watch me, so i thought.
so i got to the top of the stairs, and i was scared by then. i walked thru the kitchen, and into the living room. now i could see i was alone. but that isnt what scared me. it was the faces i saw behind the glass doors of the cabinets in the livingroom. they were horrid, grimacing faces that were laughing at me, and i could hear them them. they were all gray, and very animated. and all hostile, although they were laughing at me. loudly.
when my mom finally came home (mind you, she had no idea i would wake up, and grandma worked only minutes away) she found me in histerics by the front door. real histerics.
poor mom. she felt so bad about it. i never thought of it as her fault. she is such a mama bear about her kids.
i never forgot those faces…