today is wednesday. last sunday around 3-4 pm the electricity went off for a couple of hours, due to high winds (gee, winds in oklahoma?). it has happened before. i called the power company, and soon the power was restored.
monday the beau took a personal day off from work. during the course of the day he saw/overheard the neighbor guy next door discussing the excessive tree limbs that rub the small transformer that serves three or four houses right here…ours and neighbor boy’s being among them. he was in his back yard, pointing to the large tree full of dead wood that had grown up around the transformer in question, with a ‘supervisor’ type personage in clean trousers who had arrived in a neat little PSO car. this supervisor looking personage was overheard by the beau saying ‘ no, those trees are not PSO’s problem unless they are causing a disruption to the electrical service to the houses here.’ and off he went. the neighbor boy is still somewhat fresh out of school, a first time home owner with his room mate, and apparrently lacked the testicular fortitude to stand up to this managerial type personage and demand something be done. after all, the power was interupted just the day prior to this meeting. duh.
well, tuesday went by fine.
tuesdaynight/wednesday morning however did not. i was awakened by the combination of the ceasing of the small fan we use for white noise to sleep by, and the commencing of the computer backup power/surge protector that beeps loudly when the power goes off so you will be apprised of the situation and can turn off the computer safely. it was three in the morning. crap.
so… i get my cell phone out and call PSO, again, and declare an outage. i dont know if its just my house, other houses have lights, but not the house to the south. no we dont have breakers, we have fuses. no i didnt hear any loud sounds preceding this.
so, around five in the morning (i have my cell phone on and it has time and alarm clock, not that i am back asleep or anything) i hear the PSO truck pull up. then the local tree trimming truck that contracts with PSO for this kind of thing. hmmm sounds like overtime time and a half stuff. they are out there with their flash lights, ropes, and chain saws. brrrrrrappp.
hmmm. i guess its PSO’s problem now.
heh heh heh…. and just in time for a possible thunder shower with…wind.
when i was pregnant with my son, i thought iwas going to have a girl. i was certain. there were no tests that i know of to say different then. so i had planned on naming my daughter selena. i had an aunt by that name that had died at age seven. i dont know of what. but i loved the name.
when my son was born, i was totally unprepared. for a name i mean. i was delighted to have a son! i just didnt have a name.
i knew there was a God, having been raised catholic. i knew He was real, because He spoke to me from time to time, in the still small voice that he speaks to us in. i was a child, and i knew it was Him by what He said. it wasnt that often, because i wasnt listening that often. but i knew he was real.
so when i needed a name, i asked God what i should call my son. He gave me the name Gabriel David. so when they asked me for the name for the birth certificate, thats what i told them. later, i looked up the mane, to see what they meant. Gabriel means ‘man of God’. David means beloved. so i named my son Man Of God Beloved. at God’s direction.
when he was adopted, he was given a different name. this in the way of adoption. but his parents told him when he was old enough to understand, that his first original name was gabriel david. so he has always known that much. and the name his adoptive parents gave him meand beautiful.
so you see, God has always had His hand on my son. ever from the start. He had a plan for him, and has not forgotten or abandoned it. that is not His way.
my son is still Man of God Beloved.
i havent had much to say this month. things have been pretty bland.
last week we had a really wet snow. it added an inch and a half to the rainfall level, which is really good. the trees had already started blooming, and looked really cool with snow on them. the purple redbuds looked the best. why they are called redbuds when theyre really purple i have now idea. just like red cabbage, which is deep purple. or red onions, which are also purple. i guess no one wants to say ‘purplebuds’. (shrug)
the snow was gone by late afternoon.
we watched ‘jarhead’ last night. really made me miss my son, even if i dont get to see him alot anyway. i thought about what things are like for him right now. i know he is up to the challenges, and the discomforts of the field dont factor in as much as they do for some. i know this because he is my son. and because he plans to retire in the marines, and then go into police work of some kind. he will be good at it too.
it was really windy yesterday. and the electricity went out for about two hours. this is the only place i have ever lived that the electricity goes out so often. its a common occurance when the wind blows. and this is oklahoma, where the wind always blows. except in the heat of summer, when it’s staggeringly hot and humid. oklieland ;P
its finally raining. been raining all weekend. putting the fires out. making my clumpy grass grow in my back yard, and hiding the leaves i havent raked (except for the two big piles i still dont have loaded up on the tarp for hauling yet). and making the whole land smell good for a change. i love rain. bluegray water falling from the sky. dramatic clouds. cool breezes. ambient light that doesnt hurt my eyes. i can see so much more on overcast days. and rain brings all the color back to the land.
rain makes me feel cozy at home. it reminds me of the pacific northwest coast. its beautiful to watch. i love rain.
I have issues with…
i just took a word association test, and this is the result i got. these are the words i hesitated on, indicationg i may have issues.
something that makes me go hmmm.
i probably do have issues with these things.
the past … who doesnt have issues with it? i dont carry a bag full of guilt, because i am forgiven. i’m not hauling regrets, because i cant fix bad past choices. not by regretting them. the struggle with the past for me comes from the patterns of rejection and dismissal that i have experienced in my social arena. the difficulty here is to understand the patterns and what caused them to repeat.
forget … i have a very good memory. the struggle here is that being dyslexic i sometimes fail to form the item in my mind so that there is something concrete to remember. makes me look stupid. frequently. i took a speed reading class in junior high (called middle school now. like middle earth? whatever) and i nearly failed it. the teacher would flash telephone numbers, liscense plate numbers, stuff like that, on the wall and we had to write them down. every one was getting most of them. i wasnt even being able to recognise what i was seeing. i didnt know anything about dyslexia then. i was never tested.
health … i really have few serious health problems. i never get sick, and i know healing is part of my covenant package with God. my issue i believe stems from hating what sickness and disease do to people. it really affects me deeply.
accident … my dad was killed in an car accident. i was burned in a sparkler accident when i was three (no scars left now). i dont struggle with this. but it does give me pause sometimes.
chaos … i only paused on this word because i wasnt sure whether i wanted to click on "positive" or "negative" as the association word. i chose positive, because a certain amount of chaos can be stimulating. there is order even in chaos, but its less evident. it does break up the bordom and tedium of too much structure. therefore it makes you take notice of your environment, and makes you think. this keeps you from too much introspection.
i havent felt real ambitious lately. if this is hard to read, its because i feel hard to read. im having a real numb period of time. where i dont feel anything. its part of being borderline. funny how the name doesnt discribe the disorder. well, in a way it does. i feel like im on a borderline all the time. but i dm not borderline psychotic, as the name was first meant to imply. i am more like borderline on the edge of feeling. i feel the emotions of others intensly…even if it is a fictional person in a story. often i feel nothing. as now. its like being blank. its like not being. it doesnt hurt. it doesnt feel like anything. i dont really enjoy it, although im not suffering.
we had a hawk in the bird bath satuerday. that was entertaining. i miss the ocean immensely. i guess i feel that, sort of. but really i feel so blank. im only using blue because gray doesnt show up very well. but im not sad. im not depressed. i dont feel deprived. i really dont feel. anything. numb.
but this is an adventure in itself. its like watching a movie of me. only i dont feel it. i go to work. i interact with the patients. i still have my humor, which helps them feel better about being at an infectious disease clinic. its just that i dont feel like im the one being there. in some ways its good, in that very little bothers me. hmmm
i was depressed for a while, but it was circumstantial depression. i dont have clinical depression. i just hate being in oklahoma and i miss my ocean and all the fir trees and mountains and fresh air. its so ugly here. but im not going into that now. well, having a hawk in the bird bath was cool. there are moments. but really id rather be by the pacific north west beach.
im not depressed now, though. i have entered numbness. its kind of a relief for someone who feels so intensly most of the time. i cry so easily it would make you wonder.
am i blathering? sorry.
the moon is full. mostly. i have this cool catalogue with gothy stuff to order from, which i intend to do. the temp went from 90* on sunday to 44* monday morning, with highs of 60* or so after that. whew! i had an intense day at work, with lots of paperwork. ;P
its so weird to feel nothing. emotional numbness. it stems from feeling like i dont belong anywhere. whatever im doing, i feel like i should be doing something else. do you ever feel like that?
i wish i had known my dad. he left when i was ten months old. i never got to know him at all. i was told he wrote some letters, but they were destroyed by either my mother or my grandmother. who they were to or what they were about, i will never know. mom doesnt remember. i was robbed. i couldve read them. a piece of my father, however dismal it maight have been. whatever.
i have a few pictures. he was killed in a car wreck when i was around eight. oh well.
when i was still very litte, like, two maybe, my mom left to go get my grandma from the fish fly factory where she worked for a short while. i had been put to bed in the basement bedroom i shared with mom. it was grandmas house. she left me alone, thinking i would sleep thru. i guess even then i sensed being left behind. or left out.
i woke up, and i was scared. i dont know know why. or why i woke up even. but i did. so i went upstairs, and i was afraid, because i thought some kind of scarey clown lived down stairs where i couldnt see him. if i was on the stairs, or near the top, he would come out and watch me, so i thought.
so i got to the top of the stairs, and i was scared by then. i walked thru the kitchen, and into the living room. now i could see i was alone. but that isnt what scared me. it was the faces i saw behind the glass doors of the cabinets in the livingroom. they were horrid, grimacing faces that were laughing at me, and i could hear them them. they were all gray, and very animated. and all hostile, although they were laughing at me. loudly.
when my mom finally came home (mind you, she had no idea i would wake up, and grandma worked only minutes away) she found me in histerics by the front door. real histerics.
poor mom. she felt so bad about it. i never thought of it as her fault. she is such a mama bear about her kids.
i never forgot those faces…
we went for a little drive in the counrty yesterday. we saw lots of wildlife while we were out. well, and roadkill…since its an early spring.
the first thing we saw, we came upon before we even got out of town. heading up 11th street, just as we were pasing the east side police station, there was a strange bird in the street. i thought it looked freaked out, but the beau was ther first one to spot it. it looked like a giant chicken, or a female peacock.
we turned around and went back to investigate…ever the animal recue team we are. there was this bird, on the corner beside a driveway where the city police cars enter traffic. there was grass there, and this bird was feeding like he owned the spot. and showing his teeth – so to speak – at the starlings who got to close. he really ran them off. we watched him for a while, having decided he looked more like a healthy little wild turkey. he was quite the character. about three patrol cars pulled out while we were there, and i was perplexed why they didnt pay this bird any mind. many of the drivers in passing traffic didnt either.
we finally went up to the qwiktrip that was next door, to find the number for animal control. we didnt think we could catch this feisty bird ourselves. and we didnt want him to come to harm.
a couple of officers entered the qt right after the beau went in, so he asked them about the bird. well…. he.s a guinnea hen that roosts at the station at night, and they put feed out for him on the grassy corner where he has staked his claim. he’s been there about three years, and he was named bernie, after the chief. he’s very aggressive, and if you try to corral him, he will not run away, he will run after you.
huh. how about that? ooookay then.
the rest of the trip was very relaxing, even if not as entertaining. we saw some cool hawks, and 7-8 flat skunks. thats a lot of skunks.
we wrapped up our trip by coming home to our own wildlife reserve.
its nice to know about bernie, though.
an odd phenomenom has been happening recently.
there is a ceiling fan in the bedroom. there arent any light bulbs in it, because when we moved in there werent any globes for it. so i took the bulbs that were there out. still, its a nice fan, and we use it often in the summer. i hung a funny little rubber bat from one of the curlie cues at the center, so when the fan is on it bounces a little and amuses me.
even thought its been mild, neither i nor my beau have turned on the ceiling fan all winter. havent needed it. and for some reason, it only goes one way now. it wont go in the reverse direction.
one day not long ago i walked into the bedroom, and the fan was on. so asked the beau if he turned it on for some reason. no, he said he had not. so i shrugged to myself, mustve bumped the switch some how.
this began to happen more often. and i knew i wasnt bumping the switch on the way out the door. neither of us were. but there was a pattern. it only happened when maggie and thor were streaking thru the house like cartoon lightning. and usually coinciding was the presence of a cat on the foot of the bed watching the now moving fan.
it turns out, thor and maggie both can, and often do, jump and flip the switch while playing their lightning game. thor used to turn on the hall light the same way, which wasnt a mystery because we could watch him do it from the living room.
my guess is the fan provides more entertainment than the hall light. and it makes wind to cool to hot cats after a rousing game of lightning tag.
i had a great birthday!
my beau is gonna get me my favorite purfume from the mall – spellbound!
mmmmmmm spellbound awuuuu…..
my co workers got me a nice card, put happy birthday on my scrolling text screne saver, and just made me feel really appreciated. even a patient of ours remembered that i had told her her appointment was on my birthday, and she sang me a quick little happy birthday. 😀
i got an email from my sis that "sang" happy birthday if you read it with the song in your head.
i got a T with my son’s unit emblem on the front from my daughter in law.
i think this is the best birthday ive ever had. only thing that wouldve made it better is being by the northwest coast.
i think being 49 is going to be great! i love my age. i dont think in years. i just dont relate to it. never have. im just happy to be here, to be in covenant with God, and to have heaven in my future.
sometimes i get amazed at my own existance. like, i stop to think about it, and it astounds me that i am. sure , i have pain and frustration in my life. i have a lot of it. but i exist. i live! im here and i have met God, and He loves me! and after 26 years He still feels the same way about me as He did then! i get to be! i get to have His friendship! im so happy!
there hasnt been any rain in weeks. we had a little snow, but snow is just fluffy water. its more air than water. the tempurature yesterday was 95*, with winds up to 40mph. the fire danger has been on high alert for much of the "winter".
and yet…people continue to flick their burning cigarettes out of car windows. some railroad workers were welding along a stretch of track that ran thru grassy fields, and since the winds were raging, and the sparks were flying, there went another bunch of acres up in smoke. and there are always the idiots who think arson is cute.
winter has been a real disappointment this year. the air has been filled with dust, and smoke, and little flying things. feels like the plagues of egypt almost~~~
i just cant get over 95* on march 1st. thats just not right…..
on the other hand, with temps up all winter, we havent used the gas heat as much. the price of natural gas about doubled this winter, and there was a big run on space heaters. we only managed to get one small one, but it was enough. i had to smile when i heard a local news anchor woman on a teaser last night, something about the upcoming weather forcast and"…will the cost of gas go down?" um, yeh. nobody is going to use it in this weather. duh.