one of the hardest things for me, is to know me. i know what i like, i know what i favor, i know what i think and what i believe, and why. i can make a stand, and defend it. i can express and explain my opinions.
but who am i? who is this person who possesses this mind? what is my real personality?
i am a mirror. i reflect the persona of the person i feel most attached to at the moment. sometimes its a hybrid of different people. i find myself speaking, and writing, in the style of someone i relate to, or someone i enjoy being around. i find myself taking on the colors of people i have known in the past, even if our parting was not amicable. i wonder who i would be if i didnt know anyone. what does a mirror look like? what color is it? what does it express?
on those occasions that i have extended solitude, sometimes fear invades. i feel abandoned. worse than rejection is not being acknowledged at all.
i feel like a ghost among the living. a stray outside the window. looking in at the cozy gathering inside that no one notices.
its a crazy feeling. disorienting, kind of. makes me feel compelled to ask for reassurance. i hate that.
often the feeling of belonging nowhere washes over me, and i wonder if i really am a ghost.
but i know better.