for the thousandth thousandth time i felt it. this gnawing restless antsyness. seems to be a weekend thing.
i woke up at the usual time for a saturday. right around 8 am. i had no plans for the day. nothing specific anyway. only some general ideas about things to accomplish.
i showered, got dressed, fiddled around reading a few blogs. but i felt so uninspired. as the morning wore on, the antsyness began to creep up my back, like ants crawling up inside my legs, my back, into my head.
then the thoughts began to race, like so many crazy birds flying around, trying to get all the ants.
and so i pace. i want, but i dont know what i want. im bored, but i dont know what i want to do – something…
and quieting the birds enough to to focus on one thing, they dont quiet down. seagulls, screeching, flapping all about, flying in chaotic directions. each pursuing its own end, none arriving at any point.
we finally went for a ride. we stopped for spaghetti, and went home. the birds seemed quieter afterwards. the ants were all eaten, finally.
sunday was better. but i was still so bored. i need a mission, not a project. working on my home interior is a great help. but i need more.
something to risk my life for would be good. i have built many fine nests, but none have lasted.
- i want to build a good, solid home.
- i want to save a life.
- i want to speak words of wisdom.
- i want to keep a level head, no matter what.
- i want to hold my tears when i hear a scream, even when its only in a movie.
- i want to grace a room when i enter.