grief

google Tags: grief, cats, pet loss

it occurred to me today that i have to let my friends - or i should say sammys friends - grieve her passing too. not that i wouldnt. but when i dropped off gizmo for re bandaging his tail, and cinnamon for vaccinations, one of the girls i hadnt seen since her passing came out to say hello. she asked how i was, and spoke of her affection for sammy.

at the vet clinic she was a star. everyone loved her, and thought she was amazing for her fortitude, her happy mood, her attitude. she was always a real people kitty, preferring humans to other cats. however in her older years, she warmed up to spook, who passed four years ago, and more recently thor, who adored her. but she remained very drawn to people.

myself, i had been passing through the grief for a couple of months already before she faded. since her diagnosis of diabetes, she had had several episodes of a strange kind of seizure that rocked her for several moments, much like epilepsy. it always left her kind of unsteady for a few hours, and each time left her hind legs with a little more neuropathy. otherwise she always recovered. they werent too frequent, at least. then in early january we came home to find her hypothermic, rather stiff and unable to stand. she still had an appetite, and seemed in her ever good spirits in spite of it. i fed her, and bathed her in warm water, and we sat with her by the fire till she was all toasty again. she still seemed limp, even so. and her legs were a little worse again. that night, i held her on my chest while i tried to sleep, but i cried quietly into my pillow while she slept soundly. that night, thats when i really let go. i had let go for her sake long ago, letting her know i would let her go when she was ready to go, but would do all i could to help her along till that time. but that one night i faced the reality that i would go on living without her soon. and i grieved most of the night. every day after that was a step in the process. when the time finally came, i had already gone through much of the anguish, and was braced for the inevitable passing of my little gray companion. it still stung, but i was alright.

so when i encountered a girl who was still stinging from the loss of one of her favorite patients, i was almost surprised. maybe i just didnt realize how much some of them adored her. it touched me. so, i retraced my own steps a little, and grieved again, with her.

i will remember this, the next time i must face the loss of a loved one, that i must allow others to grieve the loss as well, and join them in it to help them through it. grief is something we all face alone in some ways, but we also share it with those with whom we share the loss. God said we as believers didnt have to grieve as the world grieves, but He didnt say we wouldnt ever encounter it. rather, it didnt have to be that debilitating thing that cripples some, and wounds many, and destroys a few. He goes through that valley of tears with us from the inside out, and enables us to face the demons of loss and conquer them. its way more then merely easing our emotional distress. its an empowering of the highest kind. it changes our perspective, and that can make all the difference in the world.

ch ch changes

google Tags: cats

im beginning to get used to being without my little gray companion of 18 years. sort of. my time had really been wrapped around her the last 7 years since she was diagnosed with diabetes. im still getting up at 330 am to get my shower before i get the beau up at 4, since he is working 6 to 430 all week while one of the guys is on vacation. normally he only goes in this early on wednesdays. for so long i got up to get her breakfast, then i got ready, and then i got the beau up so he could get ready for work. only on weekends i went back to bed for a couple of hours. ive really never kept a conventional schedule anyway. i may not be able to sleep later than 330 for a while. i still wake up between 12 and 2 am, when sammy would wake up and have to use her box, since most nights she slept with me. when she could get around on her own easily she got up on her own. but the bed is high, and after she began to get a bit too old to jump down safely, i got up and took her to her cage, where she spent the rest of the night. now the cage is empty. but i still wake up. i still have to go right home after work to let the dog out, and feed everyone. but it isnt as urgent anymore.

im getting used to the new glasses too. took about a week to learn to see with them. and a few adjustments to make them fit right. i havent got any pictures taken yet, but i will. i do like them. the most dramatic thing was the depth perception difference. i had to be careful going down stairs, because it was quite different and i wasnt sure where to step. but ive got it now. bifocals. a whole new outlook.

the office manager is retiring in two years, so she has made some changes at work. some of her duties have been delegated between two coworkers, but she is still the boss. i dont know who will be the new OM after she leaves. as long as its not me. not that i couldnt do it, but i dont want to be boss over my coworkers. i would rather come in completely new to a place as manager.

everything else seems more dramatic than it is because my personal space is so different. i have always had cats, and still have four now. they are pets, and i love them dearly. but sammy was more than a pet. she was my companion. she loved me more than just wanting attention. she missed me when i was gone. she greeted me when i came home. she followed me around, and loved me to hug her. she kissed me often. she always answered me when i called her name. she shared yogurt with me. she enjoyed my singing. she slept with me. she trusted me. she really loved me.

sammy

 

10/9/89 - 2/9/08

we had a good run together

her will to live

sammy has the strongest will to live of any cat i have ever known. all she has been through, and she refuses to leave. even the vets where we take her say ‘that cat is going to live forever’. i know that will not be the case forever, but i believe when she does go, it will be peacefully and not because of sickness.

most recently she contracted a respiratory virus, which settled in her sinuses and eyes, with it came a fever, and loss of appetite. at 5 lbs she cant afford to lose her appetite. she lost even more weight, and became listless. this twisted me up of course. we had some antibiotics on hand, and she improved after we gave her some - because of course this happened on the weekend, and our vets isnt open on sunday. still, getting her eat was a challenge for several days. i have often fallen back on force feeding plain yogurt at times like this. this morning she ate like normal almost. and the virus is gone, and almost all the symptoms are gone. shes doing much better, almost like her old self again.

its funny and sad at the same time to watch her walk. she has some neuropathy from the diabetes, and her back legs are weakened, so she shuffles along. when i pick her up, her legs dangle. it doesnt really slow her down though, she still follows me around like the puppy cat she has always been. her eyes are cloudy looking now, but she seems to be able to see as well as ever. a good deal of my life is spent in caring for her now.

 i have had many cats in my lifetime. most have been pets. and one always has some kind of relationship with their cats, if they love them. but sammy has been a friend to me as well. we have a bond i havent had with any other animal ive ever cared for. she has cared for me in return, and has been as devoted as one sees in good dogs. she knows she is loved.

eighteen years we have had this friendship. when i do have to say good by, its going to be very hard indeed.

LiveJournal Tags: cats

sammys life

since 2001, when sammy was first diagnosed with diabetes, many things have changed in my way of life. back then we also had spook, lee’s black cat of the same age. they were both fourteen then. spook, because of tartar and resulting gingivitis, developed acute kidney failure and almost died. the vet gave us two days at best. that’s when we first began to stand on psalm 145. we claimed spooks life back, and he recovered, although we did have to give him a new diet to accommodate his loss of kidney function. he went on to live for two more years.

sammy, during this time, was contending with the diabetes, or rather the treatment of it. we tried humulin, and she kept crashing. she was on a restricted calorie diet because she was overweight, and she was constantly hungry because of the insulin. she became dehydrated, and then her kidneys and her liver crashed, she got down to 4lbs, and she nearly died. we continued to stand on psalm 145, and she began to recover. eventually we settled on .5mg of glipizide before meals, twice daily. this, and lee’s work schedule, resulted in my getting up early every morning to feed the two elderly cats before getting him up to get ready for work. a schedule i still maintain, even though spook is no longer with us.

recently i had to put her on insulin again, because her kidneys began to fail again. she had been on a low carb high protein kitten food diet along with the oral medication to keep her blood sugar down, and it was working fine. but years of high protein had taken a toll on her kidneys. this meant a new diet for her, sort of upsetting the balance we had maintained for so long. the new diet was lower in protein, but higher in carbs. i was apprehensive about the insulin, but now feline insulin was available. she tolerated it well, and we moved on again. soon we had to start giving her subcutaneous fluids at home, because her kidneys dont do an adequate job hydrating her. so she gets 200ml three times a week.

another thing a diabetic cat encounters is neuropathy. her hind legs do not work like they used to. she walks okay, but her hind legs do not have the strength they once had. this also contributes to some recent incontinence. its all because of nerve damage due to the higher levels of glucose that we cant avoid now. she sleeps on the couch in the evenings, after dinner, and sleeps so deeply she doesnt know she has to pee. she starts to pee before she wakes up. this is a problem, obviously. she can get into the big litterbox, but doesnt always make it all the way in before she starts to go. so i have a rug under the box, with a rubber bathmat under the rug, to save my wood floor. she has been hard on the floors over the last seven years. it works out, but there is the couch to consider now.

so, i looked up pet diapers online - handicapedpets.com -  and found a site that offers a free sample to try first. i ordered one for sammy, xs plus up to 4lbs. of course.

ah how things have changed for sammy and me over the years. but i will continue to do what i must for her to live comfortably and retain as much freedom of movement as possible. she is more than a pet to me. she is, on many levels, my friend.

feels like home

you would think, having had three days off recently, i would have gotten something written sooner than now. but i did have some things to do still around the house, and having time to spend with my animals after this big move was just a higher priority. not that i didnt miss being here writing, and reading, and commenting. oh how i miss commenting! seems i always have something to say to every one 

so i had monday, tuesday, and wednesday off last week, and then worked thursday and half a day friday, and started my weekend with an early off friday. the beau had to work his usual schedule, ad then had to work saturday. but, he doesnt have to work any more saturdays this month. and tweaking the interior is more my forte anyway.

sammy’s most recent trip to the vet was for dental cleaning. she hasnt ever had her teeth cleaned. routine blood work revealed anemia. seems her bones arent making the replacement blood as fast as normal. next week another blood test will show the improvement i have prayed for. i dont want to have to put her on hormone therapy, or transfusions. she has been through enough.

all the other menagerie are fine, with only a few flaws in an otherwise livable feline hierarchy.

its finally feeling like home. really home. i find i still look forward to moving out to the coast, and that is my hearts desire. but still, for the time being, i am loving it here in this house. almost makes tulsa feel tolerable. imagine that.  

almost settled :)

this quiet green reflects how i feel at last. there are still a few things to put away, or hang, or find a place for. there is mail to sort, warrantees to file, magazines to read or put somewhere. and there is still some sweeping to do in the front room. but for the most part, its home now. and i love it. i look around me every day, and thank God for this beauteous place. its beginning to sink in that its really mine.

sammy is at the vets today, having had her teeth cleaned. the doc also took a bone marrow sample to send off for review, as she has become quite anemic. i find myself bracing, knowing every day with her is a gift these days. the results should be back in a couple of days, they tell me. as always, as long as she tells me she wants to live, i will continue to do what i must to help her to be at her best. i still use my faith as my primary, nay, really my only source of help. but if she gets tired, when she is ready, i will let her go. i wont keep her here just to soothe my feelings.

on a lighter note, nosomi is fitting in fine. there are still some kinks to be worked out in the order of cats, but mostly everything is settled. gizmo tried his paw at putting her in her place a week ago, feeling a bit jealous he was. he stalked her three times before they lit into each other. she promptly kicked his butt. a bit humbled, he has given her as much respect as he is capable of since.

cinnamon is doing fine as an only dog. she keeps tabs on the cats, and has the run of most of the house during the day. now its the cats who have their own room, and are kept in it while we are at work. seems to be working out well.

today, tomorrow, and wednesday i have off, so i am getting little details taken care of around the house. and the beau has many items to list, so his evenings will be spent on line for the next few days.

i have missed my time here, and while im home i quite plan to make up lost time! pictures to be forthcoming.

im baaack

everyone has likely been wondering where ive been. alot has been going on.

first, sammy had some issues again. very perplexing thing it was. about a month ago, maybe only three weeks, i dont remember for sure, she seemed to be losing her taste for her special diet. she hadnt lost her appetite, and was quite interested in the other cats food. she didnt want hers. cats, unlike humans, dont desire a lot of diversity in their diet. i dont know know what the problem was. one morning, after a couple of days of this, she threw up what seemed like two days worth of catfood, and had diarrhea too. (i know, yuck). it smelled like something rotten, way worse than it should have. there was blood in the stool, as well as cat hair. she has a weird habbit of pulling thors hair off his head and eating it like she used to do to a siamese i used to have, so i thought perhaps this had caused a minor blockage and resulted in some irritation. the subsequent exam after she expelled a second time revealed no bacteria, and her bloodwork was the best its been in years. i changed her diet from canned to the dry version of her food, and she likes it. she never acted sick, in spite of the diarrhea, which after the first two bouts had no smell at all. things are finally creeping back to normal. i havent given her this many baths since she was a kitten and had an intestinal problem then too. then our computer was acting up during this time. it had been getting slower, and acting strange. i thought it was msn’s most recent changes on my other site. i couldnt even access my blog there. but the problems were more across the board, and finally it shut itself down. so last friday we took it to the geek squad at best buy. we had a couple of spywares that had gotten past our defenses. but there was also dust and dog hair inside the frame that was choking the fan and had covered the circuitry. we had the system wiped, so i lost all the pictures i hadnt put on disk yet. oh well.there will be changes in how often and how well the computer/dog room gets vacuumed.i have also discovered that our chow has pica. pica is a disorder that results in eating things that are not food. people that have pica have been known to eat ciggarette butts, nails, rocks, dirt, and all kinds of stuff. dogs can have pica, and may lick the carpet or floor, and eat dirt or rocks. she doesnt eat rocks, so its basically harmless. just annoying. my coworker has a dog that does the same.so, im back for the moment. i will be getting out to visit everyone this weekend.

where’s waldo?

where have you been?

you haven’t been by your room in days.

did you fall off the earth?

did you hit her head and forget who you are? well, you never really knew who you were any way …

still …

where could you have possibly gotten off to?

im here. i really have been all along. sort of. ive been in my head.

well, not just there … ive been around.

let me explain.

the last two weeks or so everything has been kind of rearranged. first, i had that awful virus that made me cough and have all that congestion. dragged on for over thirty days. i never really felt ‘bad’, except for a couple of days when i was short of breath. made me kind of tired. but otherwise, i was more annoyed with it.

then the beau informed me his hours had been changed, and for the next two months he was going to have to go into work at 6 instead of 8 in the morning. so i get up at my usual time, but i take my shower right away, and then get him up to get ready. then i take him to work, and come home and feed sammy. then i get sleepy, and take a nap with her before i go to work. thats why i havent been here in the mornings, except briefly to look around.

in the evenings the beau has been tending more to our ebay site, and i have had other things to do around the house. so i havent been here at all in the evenings. instead, i have started a couple of books, spent some time talking to my mother on the phone, and keeping the house a little more diligently. then we get ready for bed, maybe watch a little television or try to watch a movie without falling asleep, and climb into bed around 9:30 or 10.

weekends i havent been here simply because its been nice here, a rare thing for this part of the country. so although i have been home, i havent been in the computer room. ive been playing with the dogs, and organizing stuff that accumulates (like mail, things we buy but dont put away, and stuff that gets thrown in my closet for safety against chewy cats). the beau worked a couple of saturdays, and then spent a couple more at midas - oh thats another blog for later - and sundays we have gone to see a couple of movies, and gone shopping.

so you see, ive been here, but i havent been.

you could have told some one. we were all worried something had happened to you.

im sorry. it wont happen again.

the last few weeks

its been almost three weeks now since the little invader came to my house. some nasty little virus swept through here, making camp at the plant where my beau works. it had several versions of how it manifested. he caught it as it floated around the air, i guess, as half the 800 employees had it. he was sick for a week, with weakness, congestion, fever. he took one sick day. the doctor on site, provided for those who have the company insurance, wouldnt give him anything, claiming antibiotics are over used. he didnt yet have a new primary care doctor, since his family doc was killed in a small plane crash several months ago. my doctor just recently agreed to see him. i started to have congestion, and my doctor called in some amoxicillin. i shared it with him, since i didnt feel as bad as he did. that was on the 3rd of may. if the amoxicillin was going to work, it would have anyway. my system is strong. this virus was stronger. my case developed into acute bronchitis. thats not worse than chronic. its just sudden, and of less duration than three months. these last three weeks feels like three months, though. im so tired of hacking. i didnt get week like my beau. i got a hacking cough brought on by lots of congestion. i went to see my dr and he gave me a tougher antibiotic. and sent me home from work. i stayed home the next day also. i am finally getting past the peak of it. bleh.

the same day i stayed home, i took sammy in for a check up. her glipizide isnt enough to counter the kidney Rx diet, which has more carbs. her blood sugar was up to 400. so she is going to start getting insulin. back when this all started, they had quit making cat insulin, and the only choice was humilin - for humans. she crashed several times on ½ unit. thats when we moved her kitten food, high in protein and low in carbs, and glipzide. her blood sugar was 90 consistently. until her kidneys began to fail. sigh. but now they make cat insulin again, which is made just for the feline system. ’spensive stuff, at $150 something per bottle. but it should last a while.

my son called me on mothers day. yea!!!! that was the best gift! it was wonderful to talk to him. he has had it pretty intense training, now that his unit is going back to iraq in september. that will be a seven month deployment. then God will bring him home safely as previously promised, and he will be getting out soon after that. then he plans to join the police department, or the sheriffs department. eventually wants to move back to the northwest. my daughter in law is going to have their baby in november. she sent me ultrasound images. yea again!!! i cant wait to see the new baby! i feel so close to her, and so much closer to my son now. its wonderful. God has so kept His promises to me so far!

so, thats what ive been up to this last few weeks. still working on plans to move. ah, my heart is already there.