2009 and the mirror of God

there is something psychological about new years day. realistically, its no different than the day before. but being the first day in a new calendar year gives it an almost magical quality, making it a portal into a new world. the possibilities for change, for breakthroughs, for victories, for new exploits, are endless.

this year im not making the conventional resolutions. i dont want to make a list of things i want to accomplish this year. a year can be a long time, and resolutions fade quickly as events take place. lists are lost or forgotten. or abandoned.

instead, i am focusing on who i am in Christ. there are two sides to who we are. status, or where we stand in regard to God, and identity, or who we are inside. i am a covenant woman, and a child of the Living God, with firstborn status. however that is just the beginning of it.

i desire to really see who i am. that may sound unreligious when so many preach against ‘i’. but the new testament says to put on the new man, created in the image of Christ, and that requires some focus on ‘i’. its kind of a paradox, because it also requires focus on Christ, since the new me is created in His image. the Lord showed me something a long time ago about mirrors, that taught me how to look at myself. sometimes i forget to do it, and thats when i lose sight. this year i am going to stare into the mirror.

1 corinthians 3:18 

But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.

what do you see when you look into a mirror? you see your reflection. you see what you look like. imagine a man blind from birth. he may have an idea from feeling what his appearance is, but he has never seen his own face. conversely, that same blind man would recognize someone he knew by their voice and their manner. the mirror of  God reflects the nature and character, rather than the external appearance. ‘as beholding in a glass the glory of the Lord’. it gets really good when when you look up the meaning of glory.

 

so thats what im doing this year. im looking into the mirror of God.

google Tags: mirror,glory of God,new years day

resurrection day

i never was much into the rabbits and chickens thing, although i liked getting the chocolate bunny every year. thats more because it was a huge piece of solid chocolate with permission to eat it, than because it was a rabbit. i wouldnt have cared if it had been a chocolate alligator. i liked dying the eggs, because it was one of those rare things i did with my mom, and i like colors, and decorating things.

but i never got the connection between all that and then going to church. raised as a catholic we did all the major holidays like that. a mix of pagan and christian focus. it didnt really bother me, and i never felt like i was lied to when i found out santa didnt really come to my house with gifts on christmas night. i didnt feel like everything was a lie because some things were designed to delight and entertain children. i never considered God someone invented to play games around at holidays. besides, He was real in my life even back then, before i heard much of the gospel.

i just knew He was real. as a child, i hadnt learned to be sophisticated and cynical. i hadnt learned to explain things away. i still havent learned to explain things away. when He moved on my heart, or spoke to my spirit, i knew it was Him. mixed into the catechism i was taught in the catholic grade school i attended was some actual biblical teaching, and my heart always responded to it with faith. faith is instinctive to the spirit. the doubts arise when we are presented with the old ‘did God really say?’ questions.

one easter – actually it was good friday – i was thinking about how Jesus hung on that cross for so long. i wondered what that must have felt like. i had a set of monkey bars in my back yard that was in the shape of a rocket tilted to the side as if for blasting off, so i hung by my hands from the tip, just to see what it felt like. it didnt take very long before my arms really began to ache and my chest felt constrained. not even five minutes, i suppose. i really began to think about it then. it really hit home what an ordeal it must have been. it changed me.

of course, being born again really changed me. that was my first taste of being raised from the dead myself. it was way more than a new mind set. it really made me different inside. actually, it took a while for my mind to line up with the difference inside. im still working on that, to be honest. but just because i dont write about it all the time, that doesnt mean im not really different on the inside than i was before. its like, being a broken lamp. then being rewired, and given a new bulb, and being plugged into a constant power source. then, when i was baptized in the Holy Spirit, it was like pulling the cord and letting the power flow, lighting up the whole lamp. trust me, that takes more than a belief system to accomplish. it takes power. resurrection power.

google Tags: easter, faith, resurrection

grief

google Tags: grief, cats, pet loss

it occurred to me today that i have to let my friends – or i should say sammys friends – grieve her passing too. not that i wouldnt. but when i dropped off gizmo for re bandaging his tail, and cinnamon for vaccinations, one of the girls i hadnt seen since her passing came out to say hello. she asked how i was, and spoke of her affection for sammy.

at the vet clinic she was a star. everyone loved her, and thought she was amazing for her fortitude, her happy mood, her attitude. she was always a real people kitty, preferring humans to other cats. however in her older years, she warmed up to spook, who passed four years ago, and more recently thor, who adored her. but she remained very drawn to people.

myself, i had been passing through the grief for a couple of months already before she faded. since her diagnosis of diabetes, she had had several episodes of a strange kind of seizure that rocked her for several moments, much like epilepsy. it always left her kind of unsteady for a few hours, and each time left her hind legs with a little more neuropathy. otherwise she always recovered. they werent too frequent, at least. then in early january we came home to find her hypothermic, rather stiff and unable to stand. she still had an appetite, and seemed in her ever good spirits in spite of it. i fed her, and bathed her in warm water, and we sat with her by the fire till she was all toasty again. she still seemed limp, even so. and her legs were a little worse again. that night, i held her on my chest while i tried to sleep, but i cried quietly into my pillow while she slept soundly. that night, thats when i really let go. i had let go for her sake long ago, letting her know i would let her go when she was ready to go, but would do all i could to help her along till that time. but that one night i faced the reality that i would go on living without her soon. and i grieved most of the night. every day after that was a step in the process. when the time finally came, i had already gone through much of the anguish, and was braced for the inevitable passing of my little gray companion. it still stung, but i was alright.

so when i encountered a girl who was still stinging from the loss of one of her favorite patients, i was almost surprised. maybe i just didnt realize how much some of them adored her. it touched me. so, i retraced my own steps a little, and grieved again, with her.

i will remember this, the next time i must face the loss of a loved one, that i must allow others to grieve the loss as well, and join them in it to help them through it. grief is something we all face alone in some ways, but we also share it with those with whom we share the loss. God said we as believers didnt have to grieve as the world grieves, but He didnt say we wouldnt ever encounter it. rather, it didnt have to be that debilitating thing that cripples some, and wounds many, and destroys a few. He goes through that valley of tears with us from the inside out, and enables us to face the demons of loss and conquer them. its way more then merely easing our emotional distress. its an empowering of the highest kind. it changes our perspective, and that can make all the difference in the world.

the thought process

i had my annual eye exam last friday. my eyes are healthy, and the floaters i had last year have disappeared. glad for that, they were really annoying. only thing is my vision is a little bit more blurry, so im getting bifocals. thats ok, because my distance vision has always been a little indistinct. lately when i take off my reading glasses, after wearing them all day at work, my eyes dont want to shift back to normal. the nose pieces really bother my nose anyway.

i had glasses when i was about 8, because i was diagnosed with amblyopia, but they bothered my nose too much so i quit wearing them. i got them again when i was 26, because i have trouble reading the signs between grocery aisles from the end of the aisle, and they really made everything clear. i could see needles on fir trees from a block away. but, they bothered my nose, and constantly slipped down. so i abandoned the idea of wearing glasses. i always had 20/30 vision anyway. it was just this left eye that has the mild amblyopia. its only since i had the onset of all those floaters last year that prompted me to see the optometrist in the first place. besides, its good to get check ups since i have good insurance now and can afford id it.

so the new bifocals, which will be ready tuesday, will be different. they will be a lightweight plastic with no nose pieces, and they will fit differently so they wont slip down. at least i hope not. but they wont bother my nose. they will also get darker when i go out, which will be a plus because i can wear them driving. the best little add on will be the rose tint over the lenses, to minimize the harsh fluorescence i work under. this is wonderful, because colored tinting helps a dyslexic with reading, and rose works best for me.

all this got me to thinking. amblyopia, dyslexia, hyperglycemia, and a history of migraines. these are the things i have challenged me for half a century, in a world designed for none of them. none of them is severe, except the migraines, and the most frequent trigger for them is gone now. yet not being severe has made it challenging in other ways. it is just enough to make me stumble, but not enough to be evident there is a challenge. it has played hell with my interactions with other people, and strained my relationships. add to this the borderline personality disorder, or whatever it is. now the picture gets even more grim.

i was raised not to complain. actually, my mother couldnt deal with my personal struggles, so i was shamed for complaining about them. and truly, i have an innate trait that wont allow me to cave to my own problems. i know there are others with far worse afflictions. and so i am not complaining now. merely introspecting.

i do not define myself by these anomalies. i dont even claim them as mine. i do, however, identify with people who have challenges that arent apparent to the outside world. i actually enjoy membership in the island of misfit toys. this may seem contradictory to my stance as a covenant woman, but it isnt. rather, its a part of my testimony.

i define myself by who the bible says i am. i am more than an overcomer. i am a new creation. but what i am in Christ isnt always apparent either. this is where my testimony is. this is where my walk of faith lies. the Word of God is like a mirror, reflecting the image of Jesus, Who is the image of God. the more i look into that mirror at that image looking back at me, the more i begin to look like that image. that image really is what my born again spirit looks like, created in His image. its my mind, my will, and my emotions, that look like the old me. the body is just where i live. as my mind begins to conform to the new me, i gain more and more victory over the anomalies. and any other thing that rises up against what the Word says is mine. i get freer and freer of the old things that held me captive. like the rages. they are getting less severe, and further between, and less easily triggered. i havent got there yet, but im pressing on.

so in spite of my challenges with how my brain is wired, my struggles with my past, and the ever constant stream of things that weigh on me, i cant but hold my head up, because i know im a champion in the making.

more real

Technorati Tags: faith,God,believe

i was talking to my friend at work the other day about the things of God, and hearing His voice, and faith. she was intrigued when i told her that heaven was more real to me than here. but ever since i first decided to really follow after God, the reality of His presence has been with me. i remember walking down the street early one sunday morning, and the knowledge that i was a member of a different kingdom simply overwhelmed me. i thought, people will see me and not have a clue anything is different, but i am different now. im on a different team now.

that sense has never left me.

maybe its because i really believe it. there was a man that went to the bible study i had started going to who had been a Christian way longer than i had, who tried to offer some useful advice when he saw how excited i was over knowing Jesus. he told me not to trust my feelings. he said i would get over these feelings of excitement. in 28 years i have not gotten over those feelings. they have simply matured. its not that i havent gone through some very dry, barren places. its not that i havent faced some severe, long standing battles. i have been tried sorely, just as any believer is. but the thing is, those ‘feelings’ i had in the beginning werent my reason for believing. they were the result of my believing. i really believe God loves me. i really believe heaven is my destination. i really believe all the promises of God are yes and so be it in Christ. i may not act like a girl who has just fallen in love, like i was then. i would hope not. love is supposed to grow and deepen over the years. but i still believe i have a covenant with God, i have a relationship with God, i am infused with His Spirit, and His Word is the exact image of God – and all the things i believed in the beginning. and i still have feelings that are the result. if anything, my feelings are deeper. i know God better, and have more experience with his absolute faithfulness to His Word, and am more acquainted with that word. its that Word that i trust, and the God that the Word reveals.

and His presence is more real than ever.

its not like i dont ever have feelings of fear, discouragement, anger. i live in the same world everyone else does. and its a hostile place. it gets under my skin from time to time. often, really. and knowing that God is faithful to His Word, and experiencing His faithful results all the time, sometimes makes it even harder. because i know im nobody special. its not because of me.

this is what i was explaining to my friend at work. she often thinks i must different than her, and thats why i hear God speaking to me often. or why i get results all the time. or whatever. i told her the only real difference between me and her was likely that i just really believe the Word. all of it. i may not understand all of it. but i believe it, and i know God well enough now to know that He is consistent, and faithful to His Word.

and knowing that makes it more real to me than the world i live in.

retroflection

Technorati Tags: rage

this could prove triggering to some. use your own discretion.

 

the other night the beau and i were talking about rages, and what triggers them. we both have had rages, where one goes beyond angry to something that almost has a life of its own. i have never seen him raging, and when he told me of one of three instances, im glad i havent. however, in his recounting of what he was feeling, what he remembers, i understood.

i have come close to really going off the edge, but have never plunged into that black hole because i know if i did i would be capable of something truly horrible. these days, im not nearly so susceptible to those triggers as i once was, and yet, i still feel them as i always have. they just dont take me as far as they once did.

after our conversation the other night, i see more clearly what those triggers are.

when i entered grade school, my whole life changed. as early as first grade i found out what it is to be the social outcast and the scapegoat. it was a catholic school, so everyone wore the same uniform, and the rich and the poor all looked the same. but nothing could be done to blur the lines between the ‘entitled’ and the ‘unentitled’. in my class, it seems i was about the only one in the latter group. to this day, i still dont have an answer for why i was cast off from the rest. i only know how it molded me.

early on it was made clear to me that whatever it was that one needed to belong, i didnt have it and i never would. but they took it much further than simple rejection. it became a sport to humiliate me. this is the kind of thing that adults dont recognize children doing to one another. furthermore, if they did, they are powerless to stop it, because once the other children decide you are their target, they refuse to see you as their classmate. if you cry, they make fun of it. if you take it, they act justified. if you try to ignore it, they step it up a few notches until you are worn down. physical bullying would have been better, because its recognizable. but my abusers used words. my teachers responded as though it was all in my head. my mother, who herself had been chased home from school with rocks, and called ‘cat licker’ for being catholic, simply told me i was to blame for being too bossy.

seven years i faced this at school. i hated school. strangely, i didnt get angry then. i spent my time feeling bewildered. but the stress was building. at the same time, i was learning how people play mind games, and i could recognize a game in anyone. i could also recognize the motive. when i fell prey, it was not because i was fooled, but because i wanted to belong so badly. i possessed all that understanding, and no coping skills to deal with it.

the dye was cast. when i entered junior high school, i was twisted enough to attract the cruel kids. but at least then it was only a certain few. however, my mother had remarried, and my stepfather had a daughter two years older than me. i tried to be friends with her, but she was insanely bitter about the divorce of her parents, and hotly resented the marriage. she came to live with us, and everything i had endured in grade school was now living in my house. i cannot tell you all she put me through, and all without any repercussions from the adults. again. she stole from me, and i was not allowed to protest. she skipped school by playing sick, and was allowed to out with her friends. i stayed home sick, and had to stay in my room all day. daily she filled my airspace with hateful words and accusations. i reached a point where i no longer wanted to belong. i wanted to end her life. and her fathers life, as he also would humiliate me, sometimes in front of my few friends. my mother never protected me in all this. had someone laid a hand on me, she would have become the mama bear, and ripped them into pieces. but the drama of everyday life, she would not jeopardize her marriage for that. she had her own abandonment issues, and i pitied her and didnt hold her responsible. i knew innately that she wasnt capable. still, i quietly lost my mind for a while.

over the years these mind games and humiliating messages have been the things that set me off. looking back, i see that the only people who have accused me of being crazy are the ones who play the games. im not crazy. i simply have a low tolerance for cruelty. and when its directed at me, my first response is reason, and when that fails, escape. it is only when i am cornered, or prevented from escape, that i have become enraged. as the Word of God has changed me, the circle of influence that can trigger me has grown smaller and closer in to me, so there are fewer who can move me to that point. with that change has come more wisdom on how to deal with it effectively. but im not there yet.

at least now, after that conversation the other night, i see thing for what it is much better. and with more understanding comes more liberty.

Gods will

Gods will. there’s a controversial subject. many heated debates have ended unresolved over this one question of what Gods will is. i try to stay out of such arguments, but i have been faced with a few zealous brethren whose desire it was to straighten me out over certain matters. but it was too late for that, because i had already believed Gods word over traditional doctrine in those matters. well meaning people tend to get very upset if you dont agree with tradition over healing, prosperity, and protection. they will almost violently oppose the idea that, say, its always Gods will to heal. even though the Bible teaches this, and Jesus demonstrated it.

i have never been very religious. i would rather know what i believe, and know why i believe it. its like building on a rock. rain cant wash it away from under you, and wind cant blow you off it. so when i first began to see people drawing conclusions about Gods will based on past events and circumstance, and mostly guessing and speculating about what His will is, i knew i couldnt go through life that way. i had already settled it in my heart that the Bible is Gods word. it stood to reason, then, that His will would match His word.

the first thing i asked to know about was healing. was it always His will, or was it ever His will? i saw a lot of sick ‘believers’. immediately my mind went to the gospels, and the scriptures that quoted Jesus as saying ‘if you have seen me, you have seen the Father. I do as I see Him do’. ok, so i looked for examples of Jesus not healing some one, saying God wanted to teach them something from the sickness. i couldnt find any. every time someone came to Him for healing, He healed them.

i also asked Him if He really allowed the devil to teach us things. i was willing to submit to it, if it was how He wanted to do things. again He led me to three scriptures.

• first was colossians 2:15, which says that Christ spoiled principalities and made a spectacle of them publicly. in those days, when you conquered and enemy, it wasnt uncommon to parade them in cages to show your dominion over them.
• second was hebrews 2:14, which says Christ became flesh like us, in order to destroy him who had the power of death. the word used means to render entirely idle.
• third was 1 john 3:8, which says Christ also destroyed the works of the devil. the word used here means to loosen, like loosening ties in such a way they cant be used again.

then He asked me if He so dealt with the devil, and then also gave me authority over him, why would He then ‘allow’ the devil to do anything to me? in fact, how could He, if He already gave me authority over the devil? well the answer is He doesnt and He cant.

there is a lot more i can say about all this. a lot more. i have a post brewing about the book of job, which i will be writing soon.

but i just wanted wanted to say here that i have reasons for what i believe. i dont just take up a teaching  because i like the teacher. it has to be true. there has to be something solid to put my feet on. it has to more than feel right, or seem to make sense, for me. neither do i try to make the scripture fit my world.

i decided a long time ago that the word of God was the final authority. it is what God thinks, what He has done, and what He believes. it is also my covenant of blood with Him. it always works.

american gothic

its no surprise that i am so attracted to gothic culture. when one reads about dark romanticism in literature, authors like poe and hawthorne come to the forefront. although i am not that familiar with hawthorne, poe was one of my favorite authors while i was in high school, and i still like his work today. his, and others like him, are referred to as dark romantics, and is closely related to gothic fiction, which i love.

but maybe the way dark romanticism originated closely mirrors the way my own perspective developed. early on i could see, both from observing others, and honestly confronted with my own heart and conscience, the imperfections of man and the world.

• The first law of thermodynamics says that the total quantity of energy in the universe remains constant. This is the principle of the conservation of energy.

• The second law of thermodynamics states that the quality of this energy is degraded irreversibly. This is the principle of the degradation of energy.

simply put, order degrades into disorder. things decay. death touches everything. this became apparent to me very early on. as a teen, i became immersed in a gothic mind set that only years later became a culture fashion. everyone experiences some angst in their growing years. some truly do feel the way i did, and sometimes still do, about life on this planet. but personally, since goth culture became a subculture in america, i think many of its devotees are more interested in shocking the martha stewart majority than anything else.

but that aside, i have always been of a gothic mind. i have always known how dangerous it is to put ones confidence in people. i have always found people will disappoint, sell out, fail, betray, desert. people will lie to save their face. people will steal to have what they want. people will justify their own doings, and condemn another. this is even more evident in religious circles. i grew up in a very religious circle. the most religious circle.

when people ask me how i can be gothic, and still be a Christian, the answer is simple. i have no idealistic notions about the state of man, and the curse on the world. but i have every confidence in the plan of salvation that God has executed, and put into effect. when i accepted His offer, He gave me new life. i became a new creature. i still have to take His word, and renew my mind to the new life He gave me, which isnt an overnight accomplishment. but the covenant i have with Him provides me everything i need to overcome death and decay in every aspect of this life.

amazing thing, this salvation.

newness of life

inspired by a post written by keeperskorner, i started thinking about how i make real changes. the kind that changes my life, that change me.

whenever i have made changes that really took, i have had to change what i believe. like keepers, just repeating concepts that other people have written has never worked to change what i think, because it doesnt change what i believe. i just cant talk myself into accepting a thought that i have no basis for believing.

in the mid eighties, when i was living in colorado springs, i had some of my worst meltdowns. i had never blended well with other people, because i believed myself to be so insufficient as a person. being dyslexic and hyperactive, and not really knowing it, made me different. i saw things in completely different ways than every one else. apparently that made me seem stupid in the eyes of my school peers, and my neighborhood peers. my step sister severely resented the marriage between her father and my mother, and took all her angst out on me. this pattern, so well set in grade school, followed me through high school, and on into the world. because of so many rejections and humiliations from my peers, i really thought i was insufficient as a human being.

when i gave my heart to the Lord in 1980, i thought things would change by themselves. that, however, isnt how it works. being born again made me a new creature on the inside. it gave me a new nature, and gave me access to everything God is and has. but it didnt do a thing for my mind, the part of me that connects to this world. my mind wasnt the part of me that was born again. the bible says in several places to put on the new man, made in the image of God. it took me several years to grasp why that is necessary, and how that is done. like so many new believers, i thought changes would just take me over. but the mind has to be renewed before the changes are evident. in the book of james its described like a man who looks at himself in a mirror, and then goes away and forgets what he looks like. the man who continues to renew his mind with the Word of God is like a man who continually looks into a mirror, sees the image of God there, and begins to believe that that is what he looks like too.

so, back to colorad springs, and my meltdowns, which were the result of being deeply disappointed at not seeing anything better in my life, and myself, than before. i was sitting on the floor of my living room one evening, most distraught and in tears. i began to seek the Lord for what could be done to change me from being such a failure. it was more that a pity party. i was tired of stumbling in the dark. He lead me to a scripture that launched me into many changes since.

1 john 4:16, “and we have known and believed the love that God hath to us …”

i know God loves me. not because i feel like He loves me. sometimes i dont feel like He is even paying attention. but knowledge is power. my faith is built on what i know the Word says, which never changes. my feelings are the reactions of everything i think, experience, and believe. easier to walk on water than to build on my feelings. theyre always changing. so when i saw this verse, i knew what to do. i had to begin to choose to believe. not just believe whatever sounded good, or whatever people told me. i had to choose to believe what God was telling me. He reveals what His Word is saying to my heart, and i choose to believe it. then i stand on it and speak it to myself – the same way people do when theyre worrying about something and continually say what theyre afraid is going to happen. i began to apply this to all the scriptures that describe who and what i am in Christ. you know what? i began to renew my mind. as i did, i began to walk in newness of life. it was like being a warrior, and finally beginning to put on my armour. it was like being a child of the King, and finally holding my head up.

this world hasnt changed, except to may have gotten worse, and there will always be things to contend with. there will be difficult people who will hurt me. there will be losses. there will be storms.  but i have changed. i will still make mistakes, and sometimes do the wrong thing out of anger. i still have many changes to make.

but these things, and the world, dont tell me who i am anymore. i know who i am. i may still struggle with having a personal identity. but i know i am a covenant woman, and i know Who i am in covenant with. i wont be having anymore meltdowns.

what i dig about Jesus

ive been tagged by jewellybeano to write about five things i really love about Jesus.

so here it is …

1. the thing i love most about Jesus is that He keeps His word. i can trust Him to do what He said He would do. i can trust Him to always be there for me, because He said He would never leave me. i can trust Him to always hear me and answer me, because He said He would never forsake me.

2. the next thing i love about Jesus is that He is the exact reflection of God the Father. anything i want to know about God, i can look at Jesus, and know the same is true about God. when i read the gospels, i see what Jesus would and wouldnt do. when someone came to Jesus to be healed, He never turned one of them away, He never said it wasnt God’s will to heal them. He just healed them. when two came to Him asking Him to divide their inheritance, He would not.

3. another thing i love about Jesus is He showed me how to love people. He showed me how to see their hearts. its easy to get distracted with the things people do, and the way they act. its easy to forget they want to be loved and appreciated just like i do. i do get annoyed with childishness, selfishness, and the like. but no one is above it all. we all need a Savior. the only thing i really find intolerable is religion. religion is so opposite to the truth.

4. something Jesus did for me one time was enable me to forgive those i could not forgive. my step father had humiliated me so many times, i really hated him. i was so hurt and angry. it wasnt just a few incidents, but a way of life. i tried to forgive, but he was so unaware that he had even done anything, that i couldnt forgive him. when i asked Him for help, He showed me a vision of Himself on the cross, all bloody and beaten, and truly mangled. and dying. then He asked me if this was enough to pay me back for all i had suffered. that changed my life, changed my heart. it taught me that forgiveness isnt done with the emotions. its done with the will. its a decision you make.

5. the last thing, but maybe the most important, that i love about Jesus, is that He is so unchanging, so unswerving, and so consistent. i never have to wonder what kind of mood He is in. He is the most approachable person i have ever encountered. He is the only One i know i can go to anytime, over anything, and know i wont be shown disapproval, annoyance, or ridicule. He is easily entreated. He loves me, and i know He loves me. He always will.

now i have to tag 5 people. dont get upset if i choose you and you dont want to. dont be offended if i dont name you and yo want to. this is open, so every on my blogroll is tagged. that is more than 5, but i never can leave anyone out.