more real

Technorati Tags: faith,God,believe

i was talking to my friend at work the other day about the things of God, and hearing His voice, and faith. she was intrigued when i told her that heaven was more real to me than here. but ever since i first decided to really follow after God, the reality of His presence has been with me. i remember walking down the street early one sunday morning, and the knowledge that i was a member of a different kingdom simply overwhelmed me. i thought, people will see me and not have a clue anything is different, but i am different now. im on a different team now.

that sense has never left me.

maybe its because i really believe it. there was a man that went to the bible study i had started going to who had been a Christian way longer than i had, who tried to offer some useful advice when he saw how excited i was over knowing Jesus. he told me not to trust my feelings. he said i would get over these feelings of excitement. in 28 years i have not gotten over those feelings. they have simply matured. its not that i havent gone through some very dry, barren places. its not that i havent faced some severe, long standing battles. i have been tried sorely, just as any believer is. but the thing is, those ‘feelings’ i had in the beginning werent my reason for believing. they were the result of my believing. i really believe God loves me. i really believe heaven is my destination. i really believe all the promises of God are yes and so be it in Christ. i may not act like a girl who has just fallen in love, like i was then. i would hope not. love is supposed to grow and deepen over the years. but i still believe i have a covenant with God, i have a relationship with God, i am infused with His Spirit, and His Word is the exact image of God - and all the things i believed in the beginning. and i still have feelings that are the result. if anything, my feelings are deeper. i know God better, and have more experience with his absolute faithfulness to His Word, and am more acquainted with that word. its that Word that i trust, and the God that the Word reveals.

and His presence is more real than ever.

its not like i dont ever have feelings of fear, discouragement, anger. i live in the same world everyone else does. and its a hostile place. it gets under my skin from time to time. often, really. and knowing that God is faithful to His Word, and experiencing His faithful results all the time, sometimes makes it even harder. because i know im nobody special. its not because of me.

this is what i was explaining to my friend at work. she often thinks i must different than her, and thats why i hear God speaking to me often. or why i get results all the time. or whatever. i told her the only real difference between me and her was likely that i just really believe the Word. all of it. i may not understand all of it. but i believe it, and i know God well enough now to know that He is consistent, and faithful to His Word.

and knowing that makes it more real to me than the world i live in.

american gothic

its no surprise that i am so attracted to gothic culture. when one reads about dark romanticism in literature, authors like poe and hawthorne come to the forefront. although i am not that familiar with hawthorne, poe was one of my favorite authors while i was in high school, and i still like his work today. his, and others like him, are referred to as dark romantics, and is closely related to gothic fiction, which i love.

but maybe the way dark romanticism originated closely mirrors the way my own perspective developed. early on i could see, both from observing others, and honestly confronted with my own heart and conscience, the imperfections of man and the world.

• The first law of thermodynamics says that the total quantity of energy in the universe remains constant. This is the principle of the conservation of energy.

• The second law of thermodynamics states that the quality of this energy is degraded irreversibly. This is the principle of the degradation of energy.

simply put, order degrades into disorder. things decay. death touches everything. this became apparent to me very early on. as a teen, i became immersed in a gothic mind set that only years later became a culture fashion. everyone experiences some angst in their growing years. some truly do feel the way i did, and sometimes still do, about life on this planet. but personally, since goth culture became a subculture in america, i think many of its devotees are more interested in shocking the martha stewart majority than anything else.

but that aside, i have always been of a gothic mind. i have always known how dangerous it is to put ones confidence in people. i have always found people will disappoint, sell out, fail, betray, desert. people will lie to save their face. people will steal to have what they want. people will justify their own doings, and condemn another. this is even more evident in religious circles. i grew up in a very religious circle. the most religious circle.

when people ask me how i can be gothic, and still be a Christian, the answer is simple. i have no idealistic notions about the state of man, and the curse on the world. but i have every confidence in the plan of salvation that God has executed, and put into effect. when i accepted His offer, He gave me new life. i became a new creature. i still have to take His word, and renew my mind to the new life He gave me, which isnt an overnight accomplishment. but the covenant i have with Him provides me everything i need to overcome death and decay in every aspect of this life.

amazing thing, this salvation.

where was God?

i have asked that question before. ive asked that question, or at least felt it rolling around in the back of my mind, many times since i have lived in tulsa. living here has been like being buried alive.

i was raised as a catholic initially, and went to a catholic grade school. the other kids tormented me almost the whole seven years i went there. the adults never intervened one time. i believed i was inferior. because of dyslexia and a slight depth perception problem, i wasnt too good with ball games at recess, so the other girls always argued over who would get stuck with me on their teams. i finally just quit playing. they all called me possum, because it sounded like my last name.

i did, however, have a teacher who, one time during religion class, told us that salvation was a choice. catholicism teaches that its automatic if youre baptized as a baby. there were other little things like that that happened while i was there. things that suggested God was interested in me. they didnt teach us that, and we never heard the Bible taught. we heard catholicism.

when i was 16 i asked Jesus to come into my heart. He did, and He said something to me that imprinted in my heart forever. He said ”I will never leave you, nor forsake you”. many years later, when i actually read the Bible, i found those words are in there twice.

when i was 23 a gave my heart Him. i set out to know Him, and began to devour the Bible. in doing so, i found a God who was way different than i had been taught. i found He was different than most people think.

in the 27 years that have passed since then, i have found that God is always true to His word. He never fails to keep a promise.

for some people, it seems like God is there fulfilling His promises before they even need it. have you ever noticed that? have you thought, there must be something special about them?

why does it seem like He fails, or chooses not to, for the rest of us?

it seemed like He was a long way off when i was in grade school, enduring mental and emotional torment for those seven years. it seemed like it when i went to junior high, and got much of the same. with a step father who drank heavily, a step sister who bitterly hated me, and a mother who was disabled by depression, its no wonder i rebelled.

but why did i think God was far away? because i had been taught to from the beginning. not in so many words, maybe. but i had been taught to expect that God is hard to reach, harder to win over, and that expecting Him to be there was presumptuous. i was taught to have blind faith. ‘just trust’ meant, no matter what happens, youre expected to believe that God knows best so just put up with it. i was a little child, so i just believed what i was taught.

imagine if i had been taught what the Bible says.

the Bible says its God’s will for us to have days of heaven on earth. the Bible tells us to pray ‘Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven”. the Bible says to be imitators of God like beloved children, and that God calls things that are not as though they were. and then they are. and the Bible says that God will never leave us nor forsake us.

well, now i know what the Bible says. when i think back on those days, or when i face new ones, i know where God is. i know He is my covenant partner. i know how seriously He takes His word. i know how seriously i take His word. when i face things that seem to overwhelm me, and i feel like im going under, and i experience great loss or affliction, or when i need or want something, i remember what He has said about it … or i go find out what He has said about it. then i stand on that Word, and i dont let go until it comes to pass.

if i fail to receive His help on something, its on me, not on Him. He can restore the years the locusts have eaten.

where was God? He was there, trying to get to me.

the eyes have it!

its nice to know my eyes are healthy! those funny floaters are natural, and not caused by the fluorescent lighting or the computer use at work. they just happen as the ocular fluid changes, and little fibrous things develop. something like that. they could dissolve on their own, or settle to the bottom and not be such a distraction. the tree pollen bothers my eyes some, but that is temporal. my vision is still good, and all i need at this point are reading glasses. i picked out a cute pair with lightweight silver frames, and will pick them up monday on my lunch break. i will post a picture as soon as i can.

i think im going to like reading glasses. i think my eyes are a bit strained, even if the doctor didnt say so. it has been 25 years or so since i had my eyes examined. i was given a Rx for glasses then, even though my eyes were 20 30, to correct the slight aberration caused by the amblyopia. but they constantly slid down my nose. i gave them up, because it wasnt worth the bother to see that crystal clear. a pair just for reading will be no trouble at all. i think they will add character.

i have a few more exams to endure, and then i will be done for my wellness stuff.

what i want to get tested for is dyslexia. mostly to confirm what i think, and then to see how severe. maybe that will be a waste, but i want to anyway. then i want to talk to a counselor about my rages. better late than never, right?

50 feels like a beginning to me. i dont feel old. i have never felt like most people describe at any given age. once, at 23, i forgot how old i was, and had to count from my date of birth to determine my age. that was weird. at the thai restaurant we frequent most, one of the family/employees that we are friends with thought i was only 35. i get that alot. i feel like im still in my thirties. maybe thats because i have never really believed in age. i believe God restores my youth.  

im very happy to say i dont seem to get migraines anymore. i have endured nearly 40 yrs of frequent migraines. i struggled to overcome them by faith, once i learned i could, because they had such a grip on my mind. they were so a part of me, and i had them so often and so severely, that there was a deep stronghold in my mind where they were concerned. these strongholds are the reason when we dont receive the promised deliverance from God. there are many explanations given, but i know that it is those imaginations, and high things (reasonings) that exalt themselves against the knowledge of God that create strongholds in our minds, and try to prevent us from simply believing His promises like a child. it is my quest to become a child when it comes to believing the word of God, and a strong warrior when it comes to opposing the devil, and all his lies. his main tactic has always been, ‘hath God really said?’ Jesus opposed him in the desert with the answer to that query posed first in the garden. He stated ‘it is said’. and Jesus won the battle there.

so, goes my rambling this morning.

where to begin?

i havent posted in a while, and now i dont know where to start. there has been a kaleidoscope of thoughts in my head, about a  plethora of subjects, once again feeling like i have a flock of birds in my head.

first off, we came through the recent ice storm unscathed. we have lived psalm 91 in this. thousands and ten thousands around us have lost their power and been in the cold and dark for over a week now. but the two most brutal strikes of the storm, those of freezing rains, went one to the south and one to the north of us, leaving everything covered in sheathes of thick ice. but tulsa got only the first wave, sleet that doesnt stick to power lines and trees. though the streets were paved with ice smooth like glass, and yards shined like polished white crystal, we suffered no serious damages. and so we camped indoors, like bears in our lighted cave, but awake.

this weekend we saw only cold rain, instead of the snow that was predicted to blanket us. this helped to melt what remains of the ice, until the sloppy slush is finally all gone.

sammy became rather dehydrated again friday, and wouldnt eat saturday morning. so i took her to the vet to get fluids. this time she was given subcutaneous fluids rather than an iv. easier on her, faster administration, and something i can follow up with at home when she needs more. poor little kitty … so thin, and now with saddlebags under her front legs where the water settled. but she is feeling better, and as she absorbs the water, i can give her more without having to take her anywhere. she ate some trout from my plate last night, just a little, but i wanted her to eat something. but she still has no appetite for her cat food. so i give her yogurt with a syringe, to keep her strength up till she feels like eating her food again. ah, my little patient. she is such a trooper.

i sent my mother a digital picture frame, perfect for the technologically challenged. it was a late Christmas gift. included was a memory card that had about 50+ pictures on it of various things of our daily life. she loves it!

the inward things i have been mulling around in my head have to do with my own psyche. things like how i always feel like i should be doing something else, no matter what im doing. or that i need to hurry, so i can get on with the next thing. i think this is from the old hyperactivity i was diagnosed with as a small child. i think this is why i have ‘flock of scattered birds’ thoughts so often. so many times i want to sit down and write about past things that still trouble me, or current things that bother me, only to lose what i was thinking when i actually get to the computer. the birds have scattered once again.

then there is the conflict i have over sharing my struggles. so often i have tried to, only to feel like im dwelling on things i should be walking away from. and truly, its not like i suffer deeply now. its more like, when engaging in conversations or interactions with people i am associated with, on any level, i feel so foreign, so alien. i generally feel inept at communicating. my concept of good communication seems to be different than most. my concept of most things seems to be different than most. sigh.

but if i only share my triumphs, my expressions will be shallow, hollow. what good is a triumph, if there was no struggle preceding it? i am a Christian, and that is to say i have accepted the gifts, the tools, and the weapons, that God has offered us all. it doesnt mean i have been delivered from all problems. it doesnt mean i will never face another challenge. it means i now have at my disposal all the resources of God and heaven to overcome and win every time. one of my challenges has been to learn to use those things effectively. this is where the intrusion of religion most likes to occur. but that will be another post for another day.

for now, i do feel the need to get with other, more mundane, tasks of the day. saving the world and writing great posts will have to wait, i have to take a shower and vacuum the carpet, while the beau sleeps in.

retrieving the lamb

because i know what it is to feel so lost in the dark, so on the wrong side of everything. because i know what it is to hear in your head ’you’ll never recover from this!’, and to be stuck there for years …

for my friends in cyberspace a picture of the One who told me, when i was 16, ‘I will never leave you or forsake you.”

you dont have to be lost to be stuck on the cliff.

losing my religion pt 2

after i left the catholic church, i spent some time wondering around looking at non Christian belief systems. thats what i found … systems of belief. a myriad of different stories, theories, and systems of thought with their corresponding beliefs to go along with each system. most of them were colorful, interesting, and attractive. but i thought, these couldnt all be true. theyre all too different from each other, and alot of them are opposite of each other. some of them rule each other out. if this one is true, that one couldnt be true also. i felt like i was shopping for a religion. what i wanted to find was the truth. i wasnt interested in ‘what was right for me’. i was only interested in what was real. people love to say there are no absolutes, but are there absolutely no absolutes?

so i left off that, and abandoned my search for a while. i didnt want a system to achieve perfection, or to become a god, or a saint, or part of the cosmos. i wanted a home for my lonely heart.

it wasnt long after that i found myself at a Bible study, having accepted an invitation to dinner first from a group of Christians who lived in a big house together. they had the cohesion of a family, but there was a liberty about them that you dont find in a cult or some thing. at the beginning of the study, a few of them asked God for direction, revelation, and such. what struck me most was the way they talked to God. like he was in the room with us. like he was part of the Bible study. like they knew Him.

i was invited to dinner the next night, and went with some of them to another Bible study at the house of a couple who were part of a non denominational church, and i found they were the same way. although the people that were there didnt all live in the same house, they were of the same spirit as the others. they talked to God like He was their King, their Father, and their Friend. i had not seen this before. neither had i felt the tugging that was pulling at my heart, like a letter from home does. there was a tangible something here that had life in it. i called out to this God, saying i wanted all of Him, and he answered me. i was at that moment shot through with what seemed like a fiery lightening sword that lit up my heart like the sun. i was enveloped in it. unlike the other things i had looked into, where you had to strive, and meditate for hours, and concentrate very hard before you ever experienced anything, if you ever experienced anything, this came to me for the asking. and i knew it was real, because i didnt have to drum it up with my own striving. it was given, by Someone outside of myself.

i was very changed after that. i now had a relationship with God, and this changed my heart entirely. not that i was perfect - i hadnt changed at all in that. and God doesnt require perfection from us. He requires trust, and yieldedness, and love. He does the perfecting.

but the journey had only just begun …