sun struck and alarmed

saturday i worked in the yard some.  it was a beautiful morning, and cool. unseasonably cool. so i went out to the shed to get a few things, a shovel, some potting soil … and of course there was no way into the shed. so i moved a coil of some old cord, and crashing down came one of the shelves that had way too much stacked on it. nothing broke, and nothing hit me.

ok fine.

so i took everything out of the shed, and rearranged it in my customary organizational way … which took about an hour. the shed is always hot. its probably hot in the winter. and saturday morning was no exception. i got pretty warm getting it all sorted, but it was started, and i need to be able to get in and get things safely.

then i began my work on one of the flower beds in the back yard. it took a couple more hours in the rapidly increasing heat - at least i was in the shade of the house, but it was still hot - to clean out the weeds, dig up as many old bulbs as i could find, and add potting soil to freshen up the bed. plus giving the dog two hose downs because she wanted to help me dig, and wanted to lay in the cool dirt. then i planted 29 marigolds, and the two mosquito plants. and a few flower seeds. when i came in i was seriously hot. i still had some energy to help the beau a little with his project of getting some large containers of stuff up into the attic, and getting down some stuff for ebay.

i felt tired, and my head hurt i little, but i wasnt burned or anything. when i got up sunday morning, i felt the effects of having over done it a bit.

summer 1, me 0.

we had had a thunderstorm during the night, and there had been a surge, which apparently ‘adjusted’ the security alarm. eh heh heh. so when i opened the back door, instead of getting the normal beep beep to let me know i needed top disarm it, it simply went off.

its very loud.

the beau was up in a flash. well, he wanted to get up early anyway …

they called the land line first. we never answer that one. its there for the fax and the internet. i told them that when the sales guy was here, and when the installation guy was here.

then they called the beaus cell, which was turned off. he always turns his phone off at night. i told them that too.

sigh …

then they called the police. then they called me. so i told them what happened, and the proper sequence of numbers to call in case the alarm is tripped, and they called the police again not to come. the last time i was in a house where the alarm was tripped, it was in a house i was cleaning with another woman. she got the disarm code wrong, and couldnt remember the password, so the police came out with their weapons drawn. that was fun.

so the weekend was, um, eventful. i was pretty tired from saturdays heat, so after the alarm snafu i laid low all day sunday. the sun apparently really kicked my butt, because i felt slightly ill all day, with a slight headache and fatigue. fatigue is something i rarely experience.

i guess i will do my yard work in the early morning or later in the evening from now on.

im so not fond of summer here.

google Tags: summer, alarms, weekend

dis•re•gard

re·gard

transitive verb  (past and past participle re·gard·ed, present participle re·gard·ing, 3rd person present singular re·gards)

Definition:

1. consider somebody or something: to think of somebody or something as having a particular nature or quality or a particular role or function
I regard his gift as an apology.

2. have feelings in relation to something: to have a particular feeling toward somebody or something
At first they regarded the idea of early retirement with horror.

3. judge somebody or something: to have an opinion as to the quality or worth of somebody or something
I regard her highly.

4. look at somebody or something: to look at something or somebody steadily or attentively
regarded the photograph with interest

5. be about something: to be about or concerned with something
This memo regards your performance review.

dis·re·gard

transitive verb  (past and past participle dis·re·gard·ed, present participle dis·re·gard·ing, 3rd person present singular dis·re·gards)

Definition:

1. ignore somebody or something: to ignore or pay no attention to somebody or something

2. treat somebody or something disrespectfully: to treat somebody or something with contempt or without respect

noun 

Definition:

neglect: a lack of attention or respect

something it really hate is to be disregarded. i would rather be insulted than treated with disregard. at least when someone insults you they acknowledge you. but when they disregard you, they act as if you arent there, or have nothing to contribute. its more infuriating than being slapped in the face.

i recently encountered this attitude from a salesperson at a carpet and flooring store. i had gone in with the beau in may to purchase a remnant for my dining room. i had bought a remnant in december for the bedroom, and had it cut and bound, and was happy with the carpet and the whole experience. the salesperson i had then informed us there was a service available to have the piece bound. makes the carpeting tight around the edges, instead of all frayed and loose. thats why i came back to this same store, because it was a pleasant experience.

the next time we came in, it was to see if they still had the other roll, like the one i had bought before. they did, and we told this salesperson what we wanted. he acted from the very start as though it was a chore to take care of this. it was may 3rd, and he said he would call when our carpet was ready. he didnt, so we called, a week later. on may 10th we picked up the bound piece that was for the dinning room, and i asked the office manager (our salesperson wasnt there that day) to please have the 4′x12′ leftover piece bound too. he said fine, and we left the store.

three weeks went by, and finally i called to inquire about my piece of carpet. i talked to my salesperson, who in a sleepy, disinterested voice said the guy who does the binding was on a week of vacation, and when he came back my carpet would get done. it should be ready in about a week, and he would call me. he said he would take care of it.

three more weeks go by and im near the store, but its raining hard so i dont stop in. tow more weeks go by, and its saturday, and the beau and i go in to get our carpet. the salesperson says he doesnt know where it is first, and then that the binder is going on vacation and when he gets back …

we both get upset at this point. the beau confronts the office manager, and i join him because the salesperson has devolved into mumbling incoherently, and looking at my receipt. im starting to wonder about him. the office manager, instead of trying to help us, gets defensive. the beau is angry and wanting to do all the talking. no one is considering what i am saying at all.

well, after a promise from the beau to call the better business bureau and lodge a complaint, we get a promise that it will be found and will be there monday. when i call monday evening, i get the office manager and am told its gone. no one can find it. he at least offers to try to replace it, so i will hold him to that.

but in the end, i cant help feeling like he really only wants to avoid the complaint to the BBB, and really doesnt want to hear what i think of the whole mess. the mumbling salesperson just isnt right. and i feel disregarded. at least the beau listens to me. but when hes angry about something, my logical analysis gets brushed over.

this is more of a rant than anything. its not that im wounded. its just a burr under my saddle, so to speak. a really prickly burr.

google Tags: disregarded, angry

something

i had some things to write about. there were a few things in my head throughout the day yesterday that i felt i wanted to put here. then, as often seems to happen, i get here and cant think of what they were. sigh.

i miss my time here, i know that. i miss getting here on a regular basis with things to say, and time to catch up on what everyone else is saying. i fear being forgotten about because im absent so much. but honestly, part of the challenge is drawing a blank when i do sit down to write. and part of the challenge is finding it hard to to focus. its been a while since i could read for more than ten minutes at a time. i have a thinking that it could be because we have been so busy at work - and i do a lot of reading at work. i sort out the faxes, so i have to read what they are to know where to deliver them. i sort out the mail, so i have to see what is junk, what is patient labs reports or doctors notes, what is patient payments and what is insurance payments, and what is invoices, and go through all the magazines sent to the doctors. at least i dont have to read all this, i just have to scan it enough to know what it is. then i have to take all the faxed referrals and scan them to see who is being referred for what, and check to see if they have been to our office before, fill out the intake sheet, enter the information in the computer and make the appointment, unless it has to go up to the doctor for review first. then i have to make the chart and send the forms to the patient. i also have to call all the patients for the next office day and try to confirm their appointment, and go through all the next day superbills and see if any of the insurances require an authorization, and stamp them for the date of the visit. while im doing all this, i have to check in the patients when they start arriving, and check them out when they leave, taking their copays, and making their next appointment. sometime during the day i also have to enter the previous days charges and payments. and even though i am not the phone receptionist, i have to answer the phone a lot, or take calls for appointments and new patient referrals. we have been so busy the last few months that i am just fried by the end of the day.

i still have to drive across town and pick up the beau from his job, and sometimes we have to stop by the postal office on the way home. i feed the cats and the dog when we get here, and clean up whatever they might have done during the day. then there is laundry to get going, maybe find time for something to eat, and a little yard work just to do something physical. by 8pm i try to get into the shower, and then go sit in front of the television for some down time. the beau takes care of our ebay enterprises after work, and so is on the computer in the evenings quite a bit anyway. my main time is about an hour in the mornings before we leave, and on weekends.

so here it is the weekend, and i am at a loss for what to say. i havent had time to have any issues to deal with. maybe thats a good thing. i have started to read ‘boundaries‘, a book loaned to me last week by one of the nurses i work with. so far i have read the first chapter, but it has me hooked. if i can just sit down this weekend, i might get more of it read.

i might get really ambitious and work on my long neglected spanish too.

this year i have had more issues with my eyes than before - they burn a lot. i think with all the rain we have had there is more something in the air that is bothering me. that doesnt make reading any easier. i used to read a lot as a child. in spite of being hyper and dyslexic. i miss it. i used to write a lot more too.

its nice having a three day weekend, i really needed the break. we arent doing a lot. yesterday i just hung out most of the day, and when it cooled down outside a bit i put more mulch on my flower beds, and washed the front room windows and the glass on the front door.

i think i will try to get the brackets up for the shelves in this room. its the only room thats a mess, albeit an organized mess. there just isnt any place to put stuff, so its kind of all over. its my goal to remedy that this weekend. once the brackets are up, we can see how we want the shelves placed, and then actually get them put up too. that will be a good thing.

so, finally a post, about something. and a weekend to recharge. feels good.

google Tags: weekend, books, reading, work

getting over it

i had my own conversation with a friend, not long ago, on the challenges of overcoming abuse. i have heard sermons on living the overcoming life, and often interjected into them have been statements about getting over the past and moving on. but those statements have been made with little understanding of what it is one who was abused is really having to get over.

my friend was sexually abused by her step father for most of her childhood. i was verbally and emotionally abused by my peers, my step family, and some of my cousins, for the duration of my childhood. the kind of abuse isnt the real issue. what happened isnt the real issue. and there is more to it than simply healing the hurt feelings over such betrayal and assault. its not about hurt feelings.

the harm that people did to us when we were children, whether physically or not, carries with it greater psychological harm. that is what traumatized us the most, and what followed us like a stalker long after those people had been left behind. what they did was terrible. but why they did it, and did it over and over, is what bewildered us, confused us, and convinced us to be victims. if that were not the truth, then once we left those people behind we would have been fine, and there would have been no more problem.

if you grew up in a good home with loving parents, or even a single parent who loves you, if they are supportive and involved in your development, and teach you how to handle situations with wisdom, and instill confidence in you not only for what you can do but for who you are, then living the overcoming life is not the impossible dream. but if you grow up in house where you are constantly told you are the problem, you are the reason these things happen to you, then overcoming is a foreign word. you will have to overcome yourself, and change yourself, with no tools or resources with which to accomplish this. and no blueprint with which to redesign yourself. and nothing with which to accurately gage your progress.

and you can be sure of one thing. there will be no shortage of significant people to tell you you are failing in that too.

im sorry. does this sound overly dramatic? it may be, to the person who did not grow up used and rejected. that person has no concept of how utterly fundamentally undermined a person can be in their very inner structure as a person. that is what i had to get over. to become a person, to stand on the earth and believe i am as significant as anyone else. even to believe that whether i have anything to offer or not, i am here and i will not be chased off. i will live and have my being as freely as anyone else. it just had more challenges for me than for most to pull this off.

but we can get over it. it takes more than just choosing to. it takes learning a whole new way of being. it takes the attitude that other people dont determine who you are, and dont have the right to do you harm. it takes practice. just acting like you believe in yourself is enough to cause strangers to react differently to you than before. walking with your head up suggests strength, and makes you a less desirable target. and less of a jerk magnet. and its a good beginning place.

getting over it wont happen overnight. but it doesnt have to be never either.

Technorati Tags: abuse

and the beat goes on …

Technorati Tags: work,conflict

this morning we wont be taking the phones off service at the usual 830 time. the office manager is going to talk to us about resolving conflict in the workplace. great. just great. we had two employees who were all upset and in tears yesterday, both for entirely different situations. there are ten of us, all female, all between the ages of 40 and 60. it was the two who have been there the longest, one twenty years and one nineteen years, who were so up in arms. and it usually is. they are both the kind you have to walk on eggshells around, or they get their feelings hurt. but neither of them is careful for anyone elses feelings. not that i dont like both of them. i like everyone i work with. it just kind of surprises me the lack of professionalism and maturity i see at work. its so often ‘all about me’. we have four doctors in this office, all who are of the utmost professionalism. its not that they are without conflict, because they have to hammer out their own scheduling differences too. that was what one of the outbursts was about yesterday - which IV nurse was going to work labor day weekend. i cant imagine what would happen if the doctors acted like that. the other outburst im not really sure about. the nurse involved had just come back from a few days off. her friend and coworker had given her a heads up about a fussy patient who was on the phone, or on voicemail, or something, and she just flew into a tizzy about having just her brother - who, incidentally passed away several months ago. the friend-coworker finally had enough of walking on eggshells, and told her she wasnt going to apologize for delivering messages anymore. i was proud of her for that. i told her she wasnt responsible for anyone elses emotional well being. we do what we can to be respectful and courteous, but we cant go around trying to protect every one from any little thing that might set them off. everyone is responsible for their own reactions and responses. we are theoretically adults. yeah right.

exasperated

yesterday i was really peeved by the time i got home. our office manager had been in a huff all day because her mail hadnt been dealt with during the week she was on vacation. i believe it was only one person she felt should have taken care of it. but she was demonstrating her bad temper to every one except the IV nurses, as far as i could tell. she was blaming it on us talking too much. the thing she usually overlooks is the time she spends chatting with the nurses, as well as looking things up online - i have seen her monitor on other things besides her work during the same work hours we all have - and the other inconsistencies in her administration of corrections and allowances. she has on two different occasions expressed my perfume has given her an instant headache, on those really rare days i even wear a little. but one of the business office women wears a very heavy fragrance every day - the kind that fills the room and stays there - and what is more she reapplies it at both smoke breaks and at lunch in an attempt to cover the smell of her heavy smoking. she is the only one who gets to have two additional breaks a day to accommodate her habit. any of us can go down to the first floor to the snack room and get treats when its not busy, but woe to the one who would go twice a day every day and stay gone fifteen minutes each time, regardless of patient flow. she isnt the only one with inconsistencies and moody temperaments. there is usually something petty going on.

mind you, i dont dislike working there. every time i feel gripey about the pettiness, i come back to the fact that its still the best place i have ever worked. and really, for ten women to work as well together as we do is pretty amazing. my little gripe sessions are shared only with one other at work, or i stew about it while i take my shower in the evening, and then im fine by the time im done, as if all that annoyance goes down the drain with the soap and water. it is only annoyance, and i dont want to make a federal case out of it, because then i would be doing the same same thing that aggravates me in the first place. wouldnt that be amusing?

so having gotten it off my mind, im ready to start a whole new day, and have fun at work, and make the front office a cheery place for patients to encounter on their way in and back out of again.

thanks for listening.

Technorati Tags: work,office,coworkers

crashed . . .

. . . but not burned. when i turned on the computer this morning, all i got was a screen notification that said my system file was corrupted, and nothing could be opened. ack. dig out the restore cd-rom.  lost all our files, pictures, bookmarks, settings. sigh. it could have been so much worse, however.

when i got to work i found out one of my coworkers, who had been building a house on some recently purchased property, had withstood some damage from severe straight winds that had blown through during the night. upwards of 80 mph i believe. she and her husband had just sold most of their belongings and moved into an RV to live in while they continued building, having just sold their old property as well. they have horses, so they were building a barn attached to the house. the RV was parked next to the barn. the wind sheered the barn structure, but left the house structure undamaged. the RV was rocked, but left upright. this was at about 2:30 am. the horses are fine, they are fine, and the 2 cats and 1 dog are ok. i dont yet know if their RV is still livable.

so my minor inconvenience is nothing more than mildly annoying. but i did get my previous old fonts back, and i am pleased with that.

i have begun praying in the last few days for all my coworkers, and coming headlong against some serious strongholds that have been around for some time. it can be like stirring up a hornets nest when one begins to bring down old strongholds. things have gotten stirred up a bit here and there at work. but i am not backing off. i will pull harder and more fiercely until the walls come down. its invigorating to be in spiritual battle once again. i didnt realize how i missed it.

google Tags: prayer, spiritual warfare, storms, computer crashes

 

a taxing ordeal

indeed, it has been a taxing experience. easter weekend was fine, and then monday i started my tax returns. i have used turbotax for the past two years, and everything was fine. but this year i had a problem. i had completed both federal and state taxes, and was looking to get a nice return, including the $600 rebate everyone gets this year. ‘time to file’ the program said. you have to pay first, so i paid. ‘oops! we have some errors to address before we can file electronically’. huh? ok …

then began the nightmare. i was taken back to the forms for my HSA account, and told if i override the pre calculated entries i cant file electronically. why wasnt i informed of that first? ok, so i canceled the override, my return was reduced to less than the rebate. i tried redoing the whole medical section. several times. every time i got a different amount due back, or sometimes an amount owed. i finally decided to clear it and start over, but i had already paid so i couldnt. i decided to opt for a refund, which for the software you are given 60 days in which to request one. if you do the online version, as i had, you cant have a refund. by paying, you are stating you are completely satisfied with the program, and no refund is given.

well i was satisfied at the time i paid. it wasnt until i tried to file electronically that i was told there were errors that needed to be addressed. or i could print everything, and mail it as is. i wanted to e-file, so i followed the program to the pages to be fixed, and thats when all the trouble started.

two days i tried to work it out, but i was unable to fix whatever was wrong. i was also unable to go back far enough to address other questions that perhaps were entered wrongly. by now i was getting really stressed.

yesterday i called the 1-800 number, explained the problem, and was refunded my payment. i was also given a reference number, since i was at work when i called, so i can call back when im home and can pick up where i left off.

i dont get really stressed like that very often. i should have put it all in Gods hands at the very beginning. duh.  but better late than never. i will get my taxes filed, and i know i will get a nice return this year. i have my peace back, and thats more important than anything.

google Tags: taxes

edgy today

today is one of those days i feel really jittery.  like i cant focus, sit still, or write. i want to write. i want to express this. but when i feel like this i have a harder time being clear. i feel like this more often than i let on. its like irritable, restless, and a bit obsessive. im glad it my early friday, and i will get off work at 1pm. one of my coworkers might be back today. she was gone for three days because her mother, who just moved to wyoming to live with her son, had a heart attack. if she is there, she will want to talk about it, and as is common where i work, will tell the story every time someone get in to work and asks about her trip. probably like that most places, but where i work since we all know each other and care about each other, stories get told 5 or 6 times. at least. its not a bad thing, and normally i dont mind. normally i am laid back, for all my hyper ness, and dont mind most of the irregularities people have. and believe me, my coworkers have irregularities. but when i feel like this, it really taxes me to have to hear someone else tell their experience over and over. never the less, i will focus on my job, and all the things i need to get done so i can leave at 1. it will help me escape. not that i dont also want to know how her trip went and how her mother is. but i will be first to hear it, and then i will hear it again every time someone comes in and asks. then i will have to hear every ones opinions, and blah blah blah. but i wont say anything, because that would be cold. its just me. im just edgy, and i dont want to put that on her since she has enough to deal with with her mother being ill.

on the other hand, i may get to work and have a completely different mood. i dont talk about my edgy feelings much because i feel so impatient when i feel this way. i can mask it as well as i want to, and when i want to no one even knows when i am edgy. today i want to, because i dont want to overshadow my friend at work. i dont even want to be in the radar. i want to be invisible. i also know the other coworker who shares the front office with us will want to share all her opinions and similar experiences. even if i wanted to say anything, i wont get a chance once she starts.

google Tags: moods, disorders

grief

google Tags: grief, cats, pet loss

it occurred to me today that i have to let my friends - or i should say sammys friends - grieve her passing too. not that i wouldnt. but when i dropped off gizmo for re bandaging his tail, and cinnamon for vaccinations, one of the girls i hadnt seen since her passing came out to say hello. she asked how i was, and spoke of her affection for sammy.

at the vet clinic she was a star. everyone loved her, and thought she was amazing for her fortitude, her happy mood, her attitude. she was always a real people kitty, preferring humans to other cats. however in her older years, she warmed up to spook, who passed four years ago, and more recently thor, who adored her. but she remained very drawn to people.

myself, i had been passing through the grief for a couple of months already before she faded. since her diagnosis of diabetes, she had had several episodes of a strange kind of seizure that rocked her for several moments, much like epilepsy. it always left her kind of unsteady for a few hours, and each time left her hind legs with a little more neuropathy. otherwise she always recovered. they werent too frequent, at least. then in early january we came home to find her hypothermic, rather stiff and unable to stand. she still had an appetite, and seemed in her ever good spirits in spite of it. i fed her, and bathed her in warm water, and we sat with her by the fire till she was all toasty again. she still seemed limp, even so. and her legs were a little worse again. that night, i held her on my chest while i tried to sleep, but i cried quietly into my pillow while she slept soundly. that night, thats when i really let go. i had let go for her sake long ago, letting her know i would let her go when she was ready to go, but would do all i could to help her along till that time. but that one night i faced the reality that i would go on living without her soon. and i grieved most of the night. every day after that was a step in the process. when the time finally came, i had already gone through much of the anguish, and was braced for the inevitable passing of my little gray companion. it still stung, but i was alright.

so when i encountered a girl who was still stinging from the loss of one of her favorite patients, i was almost surprised. maybe i just didnt realize how much some of them adored her. it touched me. so, i retraced my own steps a little, and grieved again, with her.

i will remember this, the next time i must face the loss of a loved one, that i must allow others to grieve the loss as well, and join them in it to help them through it. grief is something we all face alone in some ways, but we also share it with those with whom we share the loss. God said we as believers didnt have to grieve as the world grieves, but He didnt say we wouldnt ever encounter it. rather, it didnt have to be that debilitating thing that cripples some, and wounds many, and destroys a few. He goes through that valley of tears with us from the inside out, and enables us to face the demons of loss and conquer them. its way more then merely easing our emotional distress. its an empowering of the highest kind. it changes our perspective, and that can make all the difference in the world.