american gothic

its no surprise that i am so attracted to gothic culture. when one reads about dark romanticism in literature, authors like poe and hawthorne come to the forefront. although i am not that familiar with hawthorne, poe was one of my favorite authors while i was in high school, and i still like his work today. his, and others like him, are referred to as dark romantics, and is closely related to gothic fiction, which i love.

but maybe the way dark romanticism originated closely mirrors the way my own perspective developed. early on i could see, both from observing others, and honestly confronted with my own heart and conscience, the imperfections of man and the world.

• The first law of thermodynamics says that the total quantity of energy in the universe remains constant. This is the principle of the conservation of energy.

• The second law of thermodynamics states that the quality of this energy is degraded irreversibly. This is the principle of the degradation of energy.

simply put, order degrades into disorder. things decay. death touches everything. this became apparent to me very early on. as a teen, i became immersed in a gothic mind set that only years later became a culture fashion. everyone experiences some angst in their growing years. some truly do feel the way i did, and sometimes still do, about life on this planet. but personally, since goth culture became a subculture in america, i think many of its devotees are more interested in shocking the martha stewart majority than anything else.

but that aside, i have always been of a gothic mind. i have always known how dangerous it is to put ones confidence in people. i have always found people will disappoint, sell out, fail, betray, desert. people will lie to save their face. people will steal to have what they want. people will justify their own doings, and condemn another. this is even more evident in religious circles. i grew up in a very religious circle. the most religious circle.

when people ask me how i can be gothic, and still be a Christian, the answer is simple. i have no idealistic notions about the state of man, and the curse on the world. but i have every confidence in the plan of salvation that God has executed, and put into effect. when i accepted His offer, He gave me new life. i became a new creature. i still have to take His word, and renew my mind to the new life He gave me, which isnt an overnight accomplishment. but the covenant i have with Him provides me everything i need to overcome death and decay in every aspect of this life.

amazing thing, this salvation.

island of misfit toys

my household is made up of misfits. that term conjures up mental images of the outcast and the maladjusted, the one who is always at odds with society. but in my house it isnt quite that way. rather, we are missfitted, but only in society’s accepted concept of fitting. in God’s eyes we are not so badly fitted at all.

in the old animated movie ‘rudolf the red nosed reindeer’ there is a place called the island of misfit toys. these toys are made all skrewy, and dont perform quite the way the others do. the most notible for me was always the doll with no name, who seemd on the outside to have nothing wrong with her. and yet nobody wanted her. so she was found on the island of misfit toys.

well in my household it isnt quite so forlorne. we are simply a motley crew of fits that miss.

you already know a bit about our most recent member, nosomi, formerly known as ms nibbles. she has a cleft palate, and might be a little - slow- but thats to be determined. having a mother who ingested people drugs - likely anti-psychotics - while kittens were in the oven, would make anyone a bit misfitting. her funny face is the most charming thing about her. well, that and her attitude. she already acts right at home, finding that the other cats and dogs here wont chase her off and pick on her.

then there is thor. also about five, and a big rugged boy with a sissy little ‘mee?’ voice. he loves the old kitties, and catered to spook when he was with us. now he is sammys bodyguard, and runs in any time gizmo acts like he wants to pick on sammy. he has a temper, but it is a flash in the pan, and he holds no grudges.

maggie is the psycho princess. six or seven year old adorable fluffball that can be so affectionate one minute, and flying off the next as if she has been threatened and insulted all in one move, and then looks back at you like ‘hmmpf! well!’ this often happens if she is on my lap, and i am so crude as to adjust my legs a bit. moments later she will be right back.

gizmo is the prima donna prince. saucey, sassy, and full of himself, he really thiks the world is here for his entertainment and convenience. in the morning he is there in the bathroom waiting for the water in the sink to be turned on for his drink. the he must be petted, and if he is not, he will tap you with his paw until you respond. the sink is his throne. he disdains every other cat. he would rather be run over by a running dog and complain about it than move out of the way. it is beneath him to move for dogs.

sammy is the reigning queen. even though she may not be strong enough to enforce her rule, only gizmo ever challenges it. and then thor is there to defend his dolly. the dogs think she smells like metamucil, and maggie is afraid of her.

cinnamon, a rescue dog of unknown age (maybe 5-6) is a goofy who knows what kind of dog. she seems to be part redbone hound, and maybe lab or shepherd. she is wild and crazy, loves to please but is so full of energy she could be the poster child for ADHD research. she is a smart dog. just lacking in common sense sometimes.

bougar is not so smart, but big on happy and loyal. she adores daddy, and i dont exist when he is in the room. ill be glad when her legs are strong again. she hates tomatoes.

a funny turtle, who after how many years now? still hisses at us on first approach. he loves slugs and worms, and various fruits and vegetables. funny old turtle. hates his winter glass box. even turtles get bored.

all that remains are two ringneck snakes, and three mice. i guess theyre pretty nominal, but the mice dont seem to want to be tamed. ok. fine.

the beau is my prime pet. ahaha! he is not the social type. but that suits me fine. he doent bring home weird guys from work. he is hyper sensitive to the security of the neighborhood, and better at squashing potential problems then the local police … who never show up until the problem is long gone anyway. we like to spar sometimes. he thinks its fun, and i learn self defense. i have thrown him a couple of times. i dont do things conventionally.

well that brings me to me. convention has never suited me. i dont dance to my own drummer … i do my own drumming. then i dance. dance, because i dont march. maybe thats why God called me the way He did. someone has to be able to get into those really weird places, and be able to talk to people of the more strange sort. i can. but God has had to really open my heart to receive from Him first. this was the hardest thing for me. overcoming the ‘feelings’ of ‘dont deserve it’ first. even then i wasnt conventional. most people feel they dont deserve something because of what they have done, or what they are. me? my biggest hang up has been confidence that i could receive. i could believe. but could i receive? or would i f*ck it up? well im finding that God can help me receive, even when i thinki i might mess it up and miss. God is so much bigger than me. and He wants me to be blessed more than i want to be blessed. people dont get that part about God. but i find it easy to understand, not being of the ‘normal Christian’ sort. God is King, and Lord, no doubt about it. but He is not hard to talk to.

anyway, the point is, no one in this house is fitting according to social norms. but im finding that to be an asset after all.

signed, sealed …

yesterday on my lunch break i went to the mortgage company, ironically named ‘first mortgage’ and signed all the papers, and handed the mortgage broker a check for the appraisal. later in the day i called the car insurance guy for a quote on home owners insurance. the closing is the 5th of october. i guess all that remains is to give my landlord notice. since we have a month deposit, we can give him his rightful 30 days, and use that time to move in. not that it will take that long. the beau wants to move in one trip. that shouldnt be a problem. next on the agenda is to pick out a refrigerator, washer/dryer combo, and a shower door for the bath tub. id like to get a large rug for the bedroom too. then get some curtains, and we’re set. i am planning on using the front room for dancing and workouts. i do not need two living rooms.

next item up is nosomi. i think i can bring her home today! the biopsy showed no cancer (i knew it would), and no fungus (i figured that too). seems to be a bacterial infection, with inflammation. the clindamycin should take care of that. and faith. i will get pictures of her today.

bougar continues to improve. she seems to have cracked a few teeth chewing her nylabones, and wont eat her dry food anymore. so she is getting the canned food sammy had left over, as sammy now prefers the dry version of her diet. so its all getting used.

the house, the dog, and the new cat

 

well, we decided on a house last week, signed a purchase agreement, and set the closing date. we plan to be in before halloween. we looked at two houses last sunday, but the second one was the one. actually, we both felt that way before we ever saw the inside, when we had driven past it a week earlier. all that remains is to pick a lender, and sign the loan agreement. i have learned a great deal about house buying this week. *deep breath*

i can barely contain my excitement, however! its a really beautiful house. the owners bought it and redid the inside, so its really nice. the kitchen has new appliances in black and steel, except for no refrigerator. the bath room is also redone with new tile, and a cool brass sink. ok, so its got a lot of yellow, and i would never have picked yellow. but if thats the only thing i can find i dont like, well … i can live with yellow. i will add blue and black that i already have. and maybe some green. or red. or both. or neither. the floors in both rooms are this tuscany tile. very old world. i like that. once we have moved in, and i get some of the decor going, i will show it off in the album.

bougar is better. her liver is healing, being an organ that can regenerate itself. of course we stood on the promises of God for her to recover. we also have a good vet, and know a little about natural healing as well. i have never thought faith was compromised by these things. what compromises faith is unbelief. to use natural methods in case faith doesnt work, for me thats never really believing in the first place. faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. vets and doctors, and natural remedies, i use my faith that they will be of some use. it has helped my animals be more comfortable while waiting in faith. it gives me something to do to act on my faith, for faith without works is dead. so, bougar is recovering, and we are believing the arthritis will be removed from her body as well. her legs need their strength back, so she can run and climb steps, and not slip and fall on the wood floors. and not be in pain.

we are taking in a cat whose owner cannot care for. she is an adorable girl, very sweet and loving. she has a skin problem that we are working to get cleared up before we bring her home. but the thing about her that makes her a little different is a birth defect. apparently her mother got into some pills, that is the theory. no one knows for sure. the whole litter had something wrong with them. hers is a cleft palate. it doesnt seem to hinder her ability to eat and lick as cats do. it just gives her a goofy kind of cute look. so … we have named her nosomi. japanese for *hope*. pictures to come.

in other news:

 

 

my son went off to iraq for his second tour. he will be mostly overseeing the work places and living places of the platoon he is with. he explained it to me, but i dont have a real clear idea. i just know he wont be in the battle front, such as it is. never the less, again my faith is hotly deployed with him, and the men of his squads. i have stood on the promise of isaiah 43:5 ever since the first hint he might go.

Fear not, for I am with you;
      I will bring your descendants from the east,
      And gather you from the west;

 

and i will not come off my stand on this, and on psalm 91. my God is faithful!

 

my new grand daughter will be born in december some time. i am hoping to find means to go visit her for a couple of days. my vacation days are all scheduled, but i can take a few personal days for this. we will see.

 

 

update on the update

well we went and saw the house. i was kind of disappointed. its hard not to get a little excited when the discription sounds so desirable, and the pictures dont quite tell the whole story.

it is a cute house, no doubt. there were a lot of features i liked about it. it has a box window the cats would have loved. it has beveled glass cabinet doors. it has loys of windows, and they hav all been replaced with aluminum frames and lock in two places each. and there is great potential to decorated how one likes. the yard is nice, and with a little extra seeding could be very lush.

the down side is its way too small. there are termites inder the crawl space access to beneath the house. when i asked the owner how cool the three window units kept it, she merely said ‘comforatble’ - comfortable to me is around 68º. there isnt much cabinet space, even if the doors are cute. there is a history of flooding in that area - it is rather close to the arkansas river, and not on high ground. it also happens to be directly across the river from sun oil refinery, which frequently creates a seriously pungent smell in the whole area.

then there is the neighborhood. we got there thirty minutes early, so we drove around in circles observing the activity that goes on there. i saw about a dozen people milling about here and there, walking around with no apparent direction, or hanging out on porches smoking and drinking beer. family people dont generally do that, even if it is a saturday. it was only 12:30. there was an odd mix of very nice little houses, and dilapitated boarded up shacks. there were a lot of old pickups parked every where. not a neiborhood i want to deliberately move into.

i didnt take any pictures. im not taking the house.

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in other news:

bougar seems considerably better. still going to get the ultrasound to make sure of what we’re dealing with.

sammy is doing well on dry KD food, but seems to have developed an insatiable thirst since her most recent event. i still give her fluids subcu three times a week. safe to say shes hydrated …

i am thoroughly enjoying this three day weekend. its gotten really busy at work, and we’re hardly ever slow anymore. after a four day work week, and a weekend, and another four day work week, we will have another three day weekend. we have the 14th scheduled off. ahhh … vacation good.

so, im off to scout my current nieghborhood for houses for sale. i bet i find a good one.

the eyes have it!

its nice to know my eyes are healthy! those funny floaters are natural, and not caused by the fluorescent lighting or the computer use at work. they just happen as the ocular fluid changes, and little fibrous things develop. something like that. they could dissolve on their own, or settle to the bottom and not be such a distraction. the tree pollen bothers my eyes some, but that is temporal. my vision is still good, and all i need at this point are reading glasses. i picked out a cute pair with lightweight silver frames, and will pick them up monday on my lunch break. i will post a picture as soon as i can.

i think im going to like reading glasses. i think my eyes are a bit strained, even if the doctor didnt say so. it has been 25 years or so since i had my eyes examined. i was given a Rx for glasses then, even though my eyes were 20 30, to correct the slight aberration caused by the amblyopia. but they constantly slid down my nose. i gave them up, because it wasnt worth the bother to see that crystal clear. a pair just for reading will be no trouble at all. i think they will add character.

i have a few more exams to endure, and then i will be done for my wellness stuff.

what i want to get tested for is dyslexia. mostly to confirm what i think, and then to see how severe. maybe that will be a waste, but i want to anyway. then i want to talk to a counselor about my rages. better late than never, right?

50 feels like a beginning to me. i dont feel old. i have never felt like most people describe at any given age. once, at 23, i forgot how old i was, and had to count from my date of birth to determine my age. that was weird. at the thai restaurant we frequent most, one of the family/employees that we are friends with thought i was only 35. i get that alot. i feel like im still in my thirties. maybe thats because i have never really believed in age. i believe God restores my youth.  

im very happy to say i dont seem to get migraines anymore. i have endured nearly 40 yrs of frequent migraines. i struggled to overcome them by faith, once i learned i could, because they had such a grip on my mind. they were so a part of me, and i had them so often and so severely, that there was a deep stronghold in my mind where they were concerned. these strongholds are the reason when we dont receive the promised deliverance from God. there are many explanations given, but i know that it is those imaginations, and high things (reasonings) that exalt themselves against the knowledge of God that create strongholds in our minds, and try to prevent us from simply believing His promises like a child. it is my quest to become a child when it comes to believing the word of God, and a strong warrior when it comes to opposing the devil, and all his lies. his main tactic has always been, ‘hath God really said?’ Jesus opposed him in the desert with the answer to that query posed first in the garden. He stated ‘it is said’. and Jesus won the battle there.

so, goes my rambling this morning.

not so invisible after all

after the last post, i received some very supportive comments from my friends. for this i am most grateful! these comments have done more than encourage me. they have, both individually, and collectively, changed the way i see myself. in a most fundamental way.

i used to see myself as a faceless mime, who carried about a trunk full of costumes and masks for all the different people and settings i might find myself in. since i made all the costumes and masks, some of them were better than others. some worked very well. some didnt work at all. and the trunk became heavier and heavier, with more and more people and places added to my life. i never threw away a costume, in case i needed it in the future.

what a burden it was!

but time and experience, and good friends, all have a way of wearing down the need to protect ones self. at least it did with me. as i have walked with God these last 27 years, i have found Him to be, as He promised to abraham and his seed, to be my Shield and my exceeding great Reward. as i have learned to trust Him, He has taken the burden of me off my hands. the comments from my last post are proof of this! 

a thousand and one thanks!

my view of my self has cleared, and i have begun to see that i am many faceted, adaptable, fluid and changeable like water. but water, in all its forms, is still water. i am like water.

i love this, because i love water. i love to drink it, play in it, shower in it, watch it in the sky in all its many forms. and water, when it is very still in fluid pools, reflects everything that surrounds it. every person who looks into still pools sees their face there. and yet the water is still … water, pure and simple.

funny thing, because my birthstone is the aquamarine, a watery blue of sea and sky, with a legend of being a sailor’s stone.

                                 

i owe much to my God, for showing me my self in this way. and i owe much to my friends here for being so quick to respond, and so able to relate to me, and so generous with their kindness!

a side note. many years ago, when i first began to walk with God, He showed me a vision. it was a glass of water.

He asked me, ‘what do you see?’

i said, ‘ i see a glass of water.’

He said, ‘you dont really see the glass, because it is clear and pure and clean. you see the water. you are the glass, I am the water. be transparent, and let those who meet you see the water in you.’then something happened to the water in the glass. it turned to wine

          

invisible -or- i am who im with

one of the hardest things for me, is to know me. i know what i like, i know what i favor, i know what i think and what i believe, and why. i can make a stand, and defend it. i can express and explain my opinions.

but who am i? who is this person who possesses this mind? what is my real personality?

i am a mirror. i reflect the persona of the person i feel most attached to at the moment. sometimes its a hybrid of different people. i find myself speaking, and writing, in the style of someone i relate to, or someone i enjoy being around. i find myself taking on the colors of people i have known in the past, even if our parting was not amicable. i wonder who i would be if i didnt know anyone. what does a mirror look like? what color is it? what does it express?

on those occasions that i have extended solitude, sometimes fear invades. i feel abandoned. worse than rejection is not being acknowledged at all.

i feel like a ghost among the living. a stray outside the window. looking in at the cozy gathering inside that no one notices.

 

its a crazy feeling. disorienting, kind of. makes me feel compelled to ask for reassurance. i hate that.

often the feeling of belonging nowhere washes over me, and i wonder if i really am a ghost.

but i know better.

hunting

i had such a cool dream the other morning. i dreamed i was talking to my son and daughter in law, and we were discussing hunting. i come from i a long line of outdoorsy women. we love to hunt, hike, and a myriad of other outdoors activities. i dreamed we went elk hunting together, me and my son. with long rifles.

it was a short dream.

i know many women do not share my affinity for reptiles, rodents, weapons, hunting, and things of this sort. but that is a part of who i am. i have a warrior heritage, and a hunter heritage. its in my genes.

a history of invasion

i am embarking on a rant of my own. i am quite bored with the whole ‘evil white man invades indian country’ thing. to the point of getting my ire up. while moments ago i was quite serene, i now am feeling ‘worked up’.

i am descended from races considered white. very white. whiter than white. but i am not english. neither am i spanish. i have my very own french quarter, but my french ancestors settled in canada, and there is at least one huron woman in that line. so i have a thin red line thru the white threads. the rest, the scots and the irish, were warriors in their own right. and fully half are swedes, descending down from the vikings, and the goths before that. now there was a conquering race, those goths. after they split into the osogoths eastward, and the visigoth westward, who invaded rome. were they evil for it? many died. on both sides. yet among the osogoths were the first Christians of that ancient world.

and what of the huns, the mongols, the romans, the greeks, and other barbarians of the ancient world? what of the knights templar, the saxons, the normans?

truly man has been moving to take other countries ever since there have been more than one. but let us not forget that many times people have fled to another country for liberty and refuge, only to be treated like dirt, and often killed, when they got there.

many of the people who came to this country were looking to escape the tyranny of the english government, and the freedom to worship God as their hearts desired, without the overlording of the religious trying to force their hand.

but sometimes just being white is enough to hang you. there are foul people of all colors and races. and i want you to know, white is a color! white, in the artistic sense, is the only color that reflects back all the colors there are. but i say this only to say i am just as much a person of color as anyone else. there is no difference. there is no ‘people of color’ and, what? ‘people of no color’? no ma’am! we are all people of color. the color is red, and variations and shades there of. from pale pink to almost purple. from light beige to dark olive. i havent seen a blue one yet, however, except on star trek…

end of rant.