the question

has the climate changed in the office, or is it just me? well, it only seems that way with one person, so i dont want to behave as though it were everyone. so maybe it isnt just me then. not my imagination, and perhaps not my subconscious doing.

a couple of weeks ago i played a video at work of a ventriloquist with a very funny puppet for the girls at work who hadnt seen it. the puppet is a dead suicide terrorist, and the act deals with terrorist racism, but in such a funny way. the office manager was among those watching and laughing as much as the rest of us. we laughed at the fun made of muslim extremists. we laughed at the fun made of an anorexic celebrity, and the suggestion that another was gay. we laughed when certain muslim beliefs were joked about. we laughed when the jews were the target of the jokes. but when pedophilic priests were brought up, the room went dead silent. two or three of the women i work with are catholic, and two of them were among those watching the online video. one of them was the office manager. her demeanor toward me hasnt been the same since. i really think she was personally offended.

the thing is, catholicism wasnt made fun of. pedophilia among a well known religious leadership was. and why was it ok to laugh about other peoples religious beliefs, especially when it was the belief itself that was the joke, but not ok to laugh at the abuse of power by leaders in another belief system, when their beliefs werent even in the equation? why was it ok to laugh about anorexia and homosexuality, but not pedophilia? these same women would not hesitate to laugh about non catholic christian leaders who have been publicly reprimanded for misusing organizational funds.

of the two women who didnt like the joke about pedophilic priests, only the office manager has changed her attitude towards me. and i didnt write the guys material, i just played the video because overall it was a pretty funny gig. the other one hasnt changed towards me that i can tell.

truth is, the office manager hasnt been herself since she came back from her last vacation. the general consensus is that its her daughter that is on her mind. she has a daughter that has an addiction to alcohol. given what ive heard over time, i sort of wonder if she is bipolar. i know it wears on her mother deeply, and has been going on for years. her mother is broken hearted over it. i feel for her, because being a mother i can understand what it must be like.

id like to reach out and just turn the whole thing around for her.

still, its hard working with her with this weight on her, because its making her a little crazy.

guess im just rambling on. this started out on one direction, and as often happens, has worked itself into a whole other light. thats what i like about talking things out.

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american gothic

its no surprise that i am so attracted to gothic culture. when one reads about dark romanticism in literature, authors like poe and hawthorne come to the forefront. although i am not that familiar with hawthorne, poe was one of my favorite authors while i was in high school, and i still like his work today. his, and others like him, are referred to as dark romantics, and is closely related to gothic fiction, which i love.

but maybe the way dark romanticism originated closely mirrors the way my own perspective developed. early on i could see, both from observing others, and honestly confronted with my own heart and conscience, the imperfections of man and the world.

• The first law of thermodynamics says that the total quantity of energy in the universe remains constant. This is the principle of the conservation of energy.

• The second law of thermodynamics states that the quality of this energy is degraded irreversibly. This is the principle of the degradation of energy.

simply put, order degrades into disorder. things decay. death touches everything. this became apparent to me very early on. as a teen, i became immersed in a gothic mind set that only years later became a culture fashion. everyone experiences some angst in their growing years. some truly do feel the way i did, and sometimes still do, about life on this planet. but personally, since goth culture became a subculture in america, i think many of its devotees are more interested in shocking the martha stewart majority than anything else.

but that aside, i have always been of a gothic mind. i have always known how dangerous it is to put ones confidence in people. i have always found people will disappoint, sell out, fail, betray, desert. people will lie to save their face. people will steal to have what they want. people will justify their own doings, and condemn another. this is even more evident in religious circles. i grew up in a very religious circle. the most religious circle.

when people ask me how i can be gothic, and still be a Christian, the answer is simple. i have no idealistic notions about the state of man, and the curse on the world. but i have every confidence in the plan of salvation that God has executed, and put into effect. when i accepted His offer, He gave me new life. i became a new creature. i still have to take His word, and renew my mind to the new life He gave me, which isnt an overnight accomplishment. but the covenant i have with Him provides me everything i need to overcome death and decay in every aspect of this life.

amazing thing, this salvation.

island of misfit toys

my household is made up of misfits. that term conjures up mental images of the outcast and the maladjusted, the one who is always at odds with society. but in my house it isnt quite that way. rather, we are missfitted, but only in society’s accepted concept of fitting. in God’s eyes we are not so badly fitted at all.

in the old animated movie ‘rudolf the red nosed reindeer’ there is a place called the island of misfit toys. these toys are made all skrewy, and dont perform quite the way the others do. the most notible for me was always the doll with no name, who seemd on the outside to have nothing wrong with her. and yet nobody wanted her. so she was found on the island of misfit toys.

well in my household it isnt quite so forlorne. we are simply a motley crew of fits that miss.

you already know a bit about our most recent member, nosomi, formerly known as ms nibbles. she has a cleft palate, and might be a little - slow- but thats to be determined. having a mother who ingested people drugs - likely anti-psychotics - while kittens were in the oven, would make anyone a bit misfitting. her funny face is the most charming thing about her. well, that and her attitude. she already acts right at home, finding that the other cats and dogs here wont chase her off and pick on her.

then there is thor. also about five, and a big rugged boy with a sissy little ‘mee?’ voice. he loves the old kitties, and catered to spook when he was with us. now he is sammys bodyguard, and runs in any time gizmo acts like he wants to pick on sammy. he has a temper, but it is a flash in the pan, and he holds no grudges.

maggie is the psycho princess. six or seven year old adorable fluffball that can be so affectionate one minute, and flying off the next as if she has been threatened and insulted all in one move, and then looks back at you like ‘hmmpf! well!’ this often happens if she is on my lap, and i am so crude as to adjust my legs a bit. moments later she will be right back.

gizmo is the prima donna prince. saucey, sassy, and full of himself, he really thiks the world is here for his entertainment and convenience. in the morning he is there in the bathroom waiting for the water in the sink to be turned on for his drink. the he must be petted, and if he is not, he will tap you with his paw until you respond. the sink is his throne. he disdains every other cat. he would rather be run over by a running dog and complain about it than move out of the way. it is beneath him to move for dogs.

sammy is the reigning queen. even though she may not be strong enough to enforce her rule, only gizmo ever challenges it. and then thor is there to defend his dolly. the dogs think she smells like metamucil, and maggie is afraid of her.

cinnamon, a rescue dog of unknown age (maybe 5-6) is a goofy who knows what kind of dog. she seems to be part redbone hound, and maybe lab or shepherd. she is wild and crazy, loves to please but is so full of energy she could be the poster child for ADHD research. she is a smart dog. just lacking in common sense sometimes.

bougar is not so smart, but big on happy and loyal. she adores daddy, and i dont exist when he is in the room. ill be glad when her legs are strong again. she hates tomatoes.

a funny turtle, who after how many years now? still hisses at us on first approach. he loves slugs and worms, and various fruits and vegetables. funny old turtle. hates his winter glass box. even turtles get bored.

all that remains are two ringneck snakes, and three mice. i guess theyre pretty nominal, but the mice dont seem to want to be tamed. ok. fine.

the beau is my prime pet. ahaha! he is not the social type. but that suits me fine. he doent bring home weird guys from work. he is hyper sensitive to the security of the neighborhood, and better at squashing potential problems then the local police … who never show up until the problem is long gone anyway. we like to spar sometimes. he thinks its fun, and i learn self defense. i have thrown him a couple of times. i dont do things conventionally.

well that brings me to me. convention has never suited me. i dont dance to my own drummer … i do my own drumming. then i dance. dance, because i dont march. maybe thats why God called me the way He did. someone has to be able to get into those really weird places, and be able to talk to people of the more strange sort. i can. but God has had to really open my heart to receive from Him first. this was the hardest thing for me. overcoming the ‘feelings’ of ‘dont deserve it’ first. even then i wasnt conventional. most people feel they dont deserve something because of what they have done, or what they are. me? my biggest hang up has been confidence that i could receive. i could believe. but could i receive? or would i f*ck it up? well im finding that God can help me receive, even when i thinki i might mess it up and miss. God is so much bigger than me. and He wants me to be blessed more than i want to be blessed. people dont get that part about God. but i find it easy to understand, not being of the ‘normal Christian’ sort. God is King, and Lord, no doubt about it. but He is not hard to talk to.

anyway, the point is, no one in this house is fitting according to social norms. but im finding that to be an asset after all.

im baaack

everyone has likely been wondering where ive been. alot has been going on.

first, sammy had some issues again. very perplexing thing it was. about a month ago, maybe only three weeks, i dont remember for sure, she seemed to be losing her taste for her special diet. she hadnt lost her appetite, and was quite interested in the other cats food. she didnt want hers. cats, unlike humans, dont desire a lot of diversity in their diet. i dont know know what the problem was. one morning, after a couple of days of this, she threw up what seemed like two days worth of catfood, and had diarrhea too. (i know, yuck). it smelled like something rotten, way worse than it should have. there was blood in the stool, as well as cat hair. she has a weird habbit of pulling thors hair off his head and eating it like she used to do to a siamese i used to have, so i thought perhaps this had caused a minor blockage and resulted in some irritation. the subsequent exam after she expelled a second time revealed no bacteria, and her bloodwork was the best its been in years. i changed her diet from canned to the dry version of her food, and she likes it. she never acted sick, in spite of the diarrhea, which after the first two bouts had no smell at all. things are finally creeping back to normal. i havent given her this many baths since she was a kitten and had an intestinal problem then too. then our computer was acting up during this time. it had been getting slower, and acting strange. i thought it was msn’s most recent changes on my other site. i couldnt even access my blog there. but the problems were more across the board, and finally it shut itself down. so last friday we took it to the geek squad at best buy. we had a couple of spywares that had gotten past our defenses. but there was also dust and dog hair inside the frame that was choking the fan and had covered the circuitry. we had the system wiped, so i lost all the pictures i hadnt put on disk yet. oh well.there will be changes in how often and how well the computer/dog room gets vacuumed.i have also discovered that our chow has pica. pica is a disorder that results in eating things that are not food. people that have pica have been known to eat ciggarette butts, nails, rocks, dirt, and all kinds of stuff. dogs can have pica, and may lick the carpet or floor, and eat dirt or rocks. she doesnt eat rocks, so its basically harmless. just annoying. my coworker has a dog that does the same.so, im back for the moment. i will be getting out to visit everyone this weekend.

newness of life

inspired by a post written by keeperskorner, i started thinking about how i make real changes. the kind that changes my life, that change me.

whenever i have made changes that really took, i have had to change what i believe. like keepers, just repeating concepts that other people have written has never worked to change what i think, because it doesnt change what i believe. i just cant talk myself into accepting a thought that i have no basis for believing.

in the mid eighties, when i was living in colorado springs, i had some of my worst meltdowns. i had never blended well with other people, because i believed myself to be so insufficient as a person. being dyslexic and hyperactive, and not really knowing it, made me different. i saw things in completely different ways than every one else. apparently that made me seem stupid in the eyes of my school peers, and my neighborhood peers. my step sister severely resented the marriage between her father and my mother, and took all her angst out on me. this pattern, so well set in grade school, followed me through high school, and on into the world. because of so many rejections and humiliations from my peers, i really thought i was insufficient as a human being.

when i gave my heart to the Lord in 1980, i thought things would change by themselves. that, however, isnt how it works. being born again made me a new creature on the inside. it gave me a new nature, and gave me access to everything God is and has. but it didnt do a thing for my mind, the part of me that connects to this world. my mind wasnt the part of me that was born again. the bible says in several places to put on the new man, made in the image of God. it took me several years to grasp why that is necessary, and how that is done. like so many new believers, i thought changes would just take me over. but the mind has to be renewed before the changes are evident. in the book of james its described like a man who looks at himself in a mirror, and then goes away and forgets what he looks like. the man who continues to renew his mind with the Word of God is like a man who continually looks into a mirror, sees the image of God there, and begins to believe that that is what he looks like too.

so, back to colorad springs, and my meltdowns, which were the result of being deeply disappointed at not seeing anything better in my life, and myself, than before. i was sitting on the floor of my living room one evening, most distraught and in tears. i began to seek the Lord for what could be done to change me from being such a failure. it was more that a pity party. i was tired of stumbling in the dark. He lead me to a scripture that launched me into many changes since.

1 john 4:16, “and we have known and believed the love that God hath to us …”

i know God loves me. not because i feel like He loves me. sometimes i dont feel like He is even paying attention. but knowledge is power. my faith is built on what i know the Word says, which never changes. my feelings are the reactions of everything i think, experience, and believe. easier to walk on water than to build on my feelings. theyre always changing. so when i saw this verse, i knew what to do. i had to begin to choose to believe. not just believe whatever sounded good, or whatever people told me. i had to choose to believe what God was telling me. He reveals what His Word is saying to my heart, and i choose to believe it. then i stand on it and speak it to myself - the same way people do when theyre worrying about something and continually say what theyre afraid is going to happen. i began to apply this to all the scriptures that describe who and what i am in Christ. you know what? i began to renew my mind. as i did, i began to walk in newness of life. it was like being a warrior, and finally beginning to put on my armour. it was like being a child of the King, and finally holding my head up.

this world hasnt changed, except to may have gotten worse, and there will always be things to contend with. there will be difficult people who will hurt me. there will be losses. there will be storms.  but i have changed. i will still make mistakes, and sometimes do the wrong thing out of anger. i still have many changes to make.

but these things, and the world, dont tell me who i am anymore. i know who i am. i may still struggle with having a personal identity. but i know i am a covenant woman, and i know Who i am in covenant with. i wont be having anymore meltdowns.

where was God?

i have asked that question before. ive asked that question, or at least felt it rolling around in the back of my mind, many times since i have lived in tulsa. living here has been like being buried alive.

i was raised as a catholic initially, and went to a catholic grade school. the other kids tormented me almost the whole seven years i went there. the adults never intervened one time. i believed i was inferior. because of dyslexia and a slight depth perception problem, i wasnt too good with ball games at recess, so the other girls always argued over who would get stuck with me on their teams. i finally just quit playing. they all called me possum, because it sounded like my last name.

i did, however, have a teacher who, one time during religion class, told us that salvation was a choice. catholicism teaches that its automatic if youre baptized as a baby. there were other little things like that that happened while i was there. things that suggested God was interested in me. they didnt teach us that, and we never heard the Bible taught. we heard catholicism.

when i was 16 i asked Jesus to come into my heart. He did, and He said something to me that imprinted in my heart forever. He said ”I will never leave you, nor forsake you”. many years later, when i actually read the Bible, i found those words are in there twice.

when i was 23 a gave my heart Him. i set out to know Him, and began to devour the Bible. in doing so, i found a God who was way different than i had been taught. i found He was different than most people think.

in the 27 years that have passed since then, i have found that God is always true to His word. He never fails to keep a promise.

for some people, it seems like God is there fulfilling His promises before they even need it. have you ever noticed that? have you thought, there must be something special about them?

why does it seem like He fails, or chooses not to, for the rest of us?

it seemed like He was a long way off when i was in grade school, enduring mental and emotional torment for those seven years. it seemed like it when i went to junior high, and got much of the same. with a step father who drank heavily, a step sister who bitterly hated me, and a mother who was disabled by depression, its no wonder i rebelled.

but why did i think God was far away? because i had been taught to from the beginning. not in so many words, maybe. but i had been taught to expect that God is hard to reach, harder to win over, and that expecting Him to be there was presumptuous. i was taught to have blind faith. ‘just trust’ meant, no matter what happens, youre expected to believe that God knows best so just put up with it. i was a little child, so i just believed what i was taught.

imagine if i had been taught what the Bible says.

the Bible says its God’s will for us to have days of heaven on earth. the Bible tells us to pray ‘Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven”. the Bible says to be imitators of God like beloved children, and that God calls things that are not as though they were. and then they are. and the Bible says that God will never leave us nor forsake us.

well, now i know what the Bible says. when i think back on those days, or when i face new ones, i know where God is. i know He is my covenant partner. i know how seriously He takes His word. i know how seriously i take His word. when i face things that seem to overwhelm me, and i feel like im going under, and i experience great loss or affliction, or when i need or want something, i remember what He has said about it … or i go find out what He has said about it. then i stand on that Word, and i dont let go until it comes to pass.

if i fail to receive His help on something, its on me, not on Him. He can restore the years the locusts have eaten.

where was God? He was there, trying to get to me.

where’s waldo?

where have you been?

you haven’t been by your room in days.

did you fall off the earth?

did you hit her head and forget who you are? well, you never really knew who you were any way …

still …

where could you have possibly gotten off to?

im here. i really have been all along. sort of. ive been in my head.

well, not just there … ive been around.

let me explain.

the last two weeks or so everything has been kind of rearranged. first, i had that awful virus that made me cough and have all that congestion. dragged on for over thirty days. i never really felt ‘bad’, except for a couple of days when i was short of breath. made me kind of tired. but otherwise, i was more annoyed with it.

then the beau informed me his hours had been changed, and for the next two months he was going to have to go into work at 6 instead of 8 in the morning. so i get up at my usual time, but i take my shower right away, and then get him up to get ready. then i take him to work, and come home and feed sammy. then i get sleepy, and take a nap with her before i go to work. thats why i havent been here in the mornings, except briefly to look around.

in the evenings the beau has been tending more to our ebay site, and i have had other things to do around the house. so i havent been here at all in the evenings. instead, i have started a couple of books, spent some time talking to my mother on the phone, and keeping the house a little more diligently. then we get ready for bed, maybe watch a little television or try to watch a movie without falling asleep, and climb into bed around 9:30 or 10.

weekends i havent been here simply because its been nice here, a rare thing for this part of the country. so although i have been home, i havent been in the computer room. ive been playing with the dogs, and organizing stuff that accumulates (like mail, things we buy but dont put away, and stuff that gets thrown in my closet for safety against chewy cats). the beau worked a couple of saturdays, and then spent a couple more at midas - oh thats another blog for later - and sundays we have gone to see a couple of movies, and gone shopping.

so you see, ive been here, but i havent been.

you could have told some one. we were all worried something had happened to you.

im sorry. it wont happen again.

pieces the imperials ‘priority’

pieces

pieces

so many pieces to my life

scattered all around

and some of them are gone

and i know that i cant ever

put them back together again

 

pieces

pieces

so many pieces to my life

a puzzle left unfinished

jumbled and unwhole

who can really ever

put them all together again

 

in a vision like a daydream

through you mind

i saw Jesus coming closer

holding all my hopes combined

He spoke with great compassion

as He put one hand on me

and in the other hand He held

what i could never see

 

He said pieces

pieces

I have all the pieces to your life

a thousand tiny fragments

of every single day

I can put them all together

and there’ll never be another one who can

 

He said pieces

pieces

I have all the pieces to your life

in My hand I hold the pieces

of every single day

I can put them all together

so they’ll never fall away

I can put them all together

and there’ll never be another one who can

 

five questions, five answers

below are five questions from Kelsey, at http://modestmoe1.wordpress.com . she answered some questions from Alabaster , and posted them on her site. then she offered to ask questions worth answering if you didnt want to go with the alabaster questions. here are the questions she asked me. it was a delight and a challenge to answer them!

1-If you could be any movie or literary character who would you? What is it about that person which appeals to you most?

this is a tough one. there arent many people i would want to be, even though i may admire them greatly. there have been characters that i envied, for their living spaces, their adventures, or their qualities. there have those i enjoyed and would love to have as friends. there are even a few whom i have viewed vicariously, for reasons i will keep to myself. but, to be? i really cant think of anyone, real, fictional, male, female, or not human, that i would want to be.

2-As a child, which person in your life had the greatest impact on you either for good or bad?

i think miss brietenstien, my fifth grade teacher, had the greatest impact on me. in addition to her personal qualities of grace, patience, and a firm rule in an unruly class, she was genuine. i went to a catholic grade school, and most of the teachers there were the stereotypical harsh nuns, women who really didnt need to be in charge of rowdy children. there were three exceptions. sister christa mary, my first grade teacher, who truly walked in love. mrs ellis, my third grade teacher, who was really sweet, and loved frogs. and miss brietenstien.

the thing about her that i will ever be in her debt for, was that contrary to catholic doctrine, she didnt teach us that we were automatically saved because of our infant baptism, and being born to catholic parents. she taught us that salvation was a choice. i will never forget hearing her say that. it branded my soul, and like a seed planted, though many years later, came up into fruit and was a defining factor in my receiving Jesus as my Savior and Lord.

3-What values or characteristics do you admire most?

honesty tempered with tact. i really respect someone who can be true and real, but who also can refrain when the situation calls for it. 

the ability and willingness to respond, rather than react. people dont always know themselves. it pays to be able to read what is below the surface.

empathy. being able to feel what someone else is feeling. we all have the same kinds of struggles, despite how different our lives and personalities may be. what hurts you may not hurt me, but i know hurt. the triggers may vary, but we all feel joy, sorrow, pain, anticipation, and the like.

perspective. the world is full of the tyranny of the urgent. but what seems urgent may not be important. in the bigger picture, what are the things that really matter?

4-Would you rather be smart or have common sense? Why?

i would much rather have common sense than be smart. with common sense, you can find the knowledge you need, and apply it. i remember an old episode of ‘all in the family’ which i didnt watch but on occasion. edith was telling archie that he had book smarts, but she had people smarts, and she would much rather have that. it made me think. and when you look at the management structures of companies, or armies, its always the ones with common sense that make the thing run smoothly. its usually not the ones in charge, either …

5-Which is the most apt to touch you deeply, poetry, music, or a picture?

the old saying, a picture is worth a thousand words, that says it all for me.

the eyes have it!

its nice to know my eyes are healthy! those funny floaters are natural, and not caused by the fluorescent lighting or the computer use at work. they just happen as the ocular fluid changes, and little fibrous things develop. something like that. they could dissolve on their own, or settle to the bottom and not be such a distraction. the tree pollen bothers my eyes some, but that is temporal. my vision is still good, and all i need at this point are reading glasses. i picked out a cute pair with lightweight silver frames, and will pick them up monday on my lunch break. i will post a picture as soon as i can.

i think im going to like reading glasses. i think my eyes are a bit strained, even if the doctor didnt say so. it has been 25 years or so since i had my eyes examined. i was given a Rx for glasses then, even though my eyes were 20 30, to correct the slight aberration caused by the amblyopia. but they constantly slid down my nose. i gave them up, because it wasnt worth the bother to see that crystal clear. a pair just for reading will be no trouble at all. i think they will add character.

i have a few more exams to endure, and then i will be done for my wellness stuff.

what i want to get tested for is dyslexia. mostly to confirm what i think, and then to see how severe. maybe that will be a waste, but i want to anyway. then i want to talk to a counselor about my rages. better late than never, right?

50 feels like a beginning to me. i dont feel old. i have never felt like most people describe at any given age. once, at 23, i forgot how old i was, and had to count from my date of birth to determine my age. that was weird. at the thai restaurant we frequent most, one of the family/employees that we are friends with thought i was only 35. i get that alot. i feel like im still in my thirties. maybe thats because i have never really believed in age. i believe God restores my youth.  

im very happy to say i dont seem to get migraines anymore. i have endured nearly 40 yrs of frequent migraines. i struggled to overcome them by faith, once i learned i could, because they had such a grip on my mind. they were so a part of me, and i had them so often and so severely, that there was a deep stronghold in my mind where they were concerned. these strongholds are the reason when we dont receive the promised deliverance from God. there are many explanations given, but i know that it is those imaginations, and high things (reasonings) that exalt themselves against the knowledge of God that create strongholds in our minds, and try to prevent us from simply believing His promises like a child. it is my quest to become a child when it comes to believing the word of God, and a strong warrior when it comes to opposing the devil, and all his lies. his main tactic has always been, ‘hath God really said?’ Jesus opposed him in the desert with the answer to that query posed first in the garden. He stated ‘it is said’. and Jesus won the battle there.

so, goes my rambling this morning.