a taxing ordeal

indeed, it has been a taxing experience. easter weekend was fine, and then monday i started my tax returns. i have used turbotax for the past two years, and everything was fine. but this year i had a problem. i had completed both federal and state taxes, and was looking to get a nice return, including the $600 rebate everyone gets this year. ‘time to file’ the program said. you have to pay first, so i paid. ‘oops! we have some errors to address before we can file electronically’. huh? ok …

then began the nightmare. i was taken back to the forms for my HSA account, and told if i override the pre calculated entries i cant file electronically. why wasnt i informed of that first? ok, so i canceled the override, my return was reduced to less than the rebate. i tried redoing the whole medical section. several times. every time i got a different amount due back, or sometimes an amount owed. i finally decided to clear it and start over, but i had already paid so i couldnt. i decided to opt for a refund, which for the software you are given 60 days in which to request one. if you do the online version, as i had, you cant have a refund. by paying, you are stating you are completely satisfied with the program, and no refund is given.

well i was satisfied at the time i paid. it wasnt until i tried to file electronically that i was told there were errors that needed to be addressed. or i could print everything, and mail it as is. i wanted to e-file, so i followed the program to the pages to be fixed, and thats when all the trouble started.

two days i tried to work it out, but i was unable to fix whatever was wrong. i was also unable to go back far enough to address other questions that perhaps were entered wrongly. by now i was getting really stressed.

yesterday i called the 1-800 number, explained the problem, and was refunded my payment. i was also given a reference number, since i was at work when i called, so i can call back when im home and can pick up where i left off.

i dont get really stressed like that very often. i should have put it all in Gods hands at the very beginning. duh.  but better late than never. i will get my taxes filed, and i know i will get a nice return this year. i have my peace back, and thats more important than anything.

google Tags: taxes

resurrection day

i never was much into the rabbits and chickens thing, although i liked getting the chocolate bunny every year. thats more because it was a huge piece of solid chocolate with permission to eat it, than because it was a rabbit. i wouldnt have cared if it had been a chocolate alligator. i liked dying the eggs, because it was one of those rare things i did with my mom, and i like colors, and decorating things.

but i never got the connection between all that and then going to church. raised as a catholic we did all the major holidays like that. a mix of pagan and christian focus. it didnt really bother me, and i never felt like i was lied to when i found out santa didnt really come to my house with gifts on christmas night. i didnt feel like everything was a lie because some things were designed to delight and entertain children. i never considered God someone invented to play games around at holidays. besides, He was real in my life even back then, before i heard much of the gospel.

i just knew He was real. as a child, i hadnt learned to be sophisticated and cynical. i hadnt learned to explain things away. i still havent learned to explain things away. when He moved on my heart, or spoke to my spirit, i knew it was Him. mixed into the catechism i was taught in the catholic grade school i attended was some actual biblical teaching, and my heart always responded to it with faith. faith is instinctive to the spirit. the doubts arise when we are presented with the old ‘did God really say?’ questions.

one easter - actually it was good friday - i was thinking about how Jesus hung on that cross for so long. i wondered what that must have felt like. i had a set of monkey bars in my back yard that was in the shape of a rocket tilted to the side as if for blasting off, so i hung by my hands from the tip, just to see what it felt like. it didnt take very long before my arms really began to ache and my chest felt constrained. not even five minutes, i suppose. i really began to think about it then. it really hit home what an ordeal it must have been. it changed me.

of course, being born again really changed me. that was my first taste of being raised from the dead myself. it was way more than a new mind set. it really made me different inside. actually, it took a while for my mind to line up with the difference inside. im still working on that, to be honest. but just because i dont write about it all the time, that doesnt mean im not really different on the inside than i was before. its like, being a broken lamp. then being rewired, and given a new bulb, and being plugged into a constant power source. then, when i was baptized in the Holy Spirit, it was like pulling the cord and letting the power flow, lighting up the whole lamp. trust me, that takes more than a belief system to accomplish. it takes power. resurrection power.

google Tags: easter, faith, resurrection

time and attention

google Tags: attention span, focus, time

time and attention have been my biggest challenges lately. i have decided to make a conscientious effort to recover my discipline in study, reading, and posting to my blog. for a long time, i was distracted with taking care of sammy, and spending time with her. i spent some time in my bible, but not like i used to. my books on spanish, sign language, and anatomy sat on my table under growing piles of half opened mail and papers to file, and receipts to enter into my bank book. there was a time when i had very good habits concerning these things. but then, sammy was content to sit on my lap or gaze out the window while i attended to business. there was always time to play afterwards, and i kept up with all the little tasks that daily life requires. even though i worked full time. however, in the last six years, with her declining health, and two other pets with equally demanding health concerns (both which passed away before sammy) my focus became more fragmented as my attention was directed more and more on them.

moving into our house brought more strain on my attention span, with rooms in disarray, and boxes yet unpacked.

now i am at a new beginning. our remaining animals are healthy, and still in their prime, and most of the rooms in the house are the way i want them. last weekend the beau spent most of his time getting the stuff of the office boxed up and stored more the way he wants, and getting it ready to put up the shelves. we found frames for a poster and some pictures that were long awaited. i finally have decided i want to make the front room into a parlor of sorts.

with less clutter i will have more focus. i will be more productive once again.

edgy today

today is one of those days i feel really jittery.  like i cant focus, sit still, or write. i want to write. i want to express this. but when i feel like this i have a harder time being clear. i feel like this more often than i let on. its like irritable, restless, and a bit obsessive. im glad it my early friday, and i will get off work at 1pm. one of my coworkers might be back today. she was gone for three days because her mother, who just moved to wyoming to live with her son, had a heart attack. if she is there, she will want to talk about it, and as is common where i work, will tell the story every time someone get in to work and asks about her trip. probably like that most places, but where i work since we all know each other and care about each other, stories get told 5 or 6 times. at least. its not a bad thing, and normally i dont mind. normally i am laid back, for all my hyper ness, and dont mind most of the irregularities people have. and believe me, my coworkers have irregularities. but when i feel like this, it really taxes me to have to hear someone else tell their experience over and over. never the less, i will focus on my job, and all the things i need to get done so i can leave at 1. it will help me escape. not that i dont also want to know how her trip went and how her mother is. but i will be first to hear it, and then i will hear it again every time someone comes in and asks. then i will have to hear every ones opinions, and blah blah blah. but i wont say anything, because that would be cold. its just me. im just edgy, and i dont want to put that on her since she has enough to deal with with her mother being ill.

on the other hand, i may get to work and have a completely different mood. i dont talk about my edgy feelings much because i feel so impatient when i feel this way. i can mask it as well as i want to, and when i want to no one even knows when i am edgy. today i want to, because i dont want to overshadow my friend at work. i dont even want to be in the radar. i want to be invisible. i also know the other coworker who shares the front office with us will want to share all her opinions and similar experiences. even if i wanted to say anything, i wont get a chance once she starts.

google Tags: moods, disorders

grief

google Tags: grief, cats, pet loss

it occurred to me today that i have to let my friends - or i should say sammys friends - grieve her passing too. not that i wouldnt. but when i dropped off gizmo for re bandaging his tail, and cinnamon for vaccinations, one of the girls i hadnt seen since her passing came out to say hello. she asked how i was, and spoke of her affection for sammy.

at the vet clinic she was a star. everyone loved her, and thought she was amazing for her fortitude, her happy mood, her attitude. she was always a real people kitty, preferring humans to other cats. however in her older years, she warmed up to spook, who passed four years ago, and more recently thor, who adored her. but she remained very drawn to people.

myself, i had been passing through the grief for a couple of months already before she faded. since her diagnosis of diabetes, she had had several episodes of a strange kind of seizure that rocked her for several moments, much like epilepsy. it always left her kind of unsteady for a few hours, and each time left her hind legs with a little more neuropathy. otherwise she always recovered. they werent too frequent, at least. then in early january we came home to find her hypothermic, rather stiff and unable to stand. she still had an appetite, and seemed in her ever good spirits in spite of it. i fed her, and bathed her in warm water, and we sat with her by the fire till she was all toasty again. she still seemed limp, even so. and her legs were a little worse again. that night, i held her on my chest while i tried to sleep, but i cried quietly into my pillow while she slept soundly. that night, thats when i really let go. i had let go for her sake long ago, letting her know i would let her go when she was ready to go, but would do all i could to help her along till that time. but that one night i faced the reality that i would go on living without her soon. and i grieved most of the night. every day after that was a step in the process. when the time finally came, i had already gone through much of the anguish, and was braced for the inevitable passing of my little gray companion. it still stung, but i was alright.

so when i encountered a girl who was still stinging from the loss of one of her favorite patients, i was almost surprised. maybe i just didnt realize how much some of them adored her. it touched me. so, i retraced my own steps a little, and grieved again, with her.

i will remember this, the next time i must face the loss of a loved one, that i must allow others to grieve the loss as well, and join them in it to help them through it. grief is something we all face alone in some ways, but we also share it with those with whom we share the loss. God said we as believers didnt have to grieve as the world grieves, but He didnt say we wouldnt ever encounter it. rather, it didnt have to be that debilitating thing that cripples some, and wounds many, and destroys a few. He goes through that valley of tears with us from the inside out, and enables us to face the demons of loss and conquer them. its way more then merely easing our emotional distress. its an empowering of the highest kind. it changes our perspective, and that can make all the difference in the world.